Sliding to a new season

As I posted on my main blog a door has closed.  I had hope for my relationship with Jerremy even though it was a fools hope.  I had convinced myself pretty well that once he was over his depressive funk and feeling better about life that somehow we could hit the reset button and try again with him actually trying this time.  I was pretty sure it would work.  But I guess that was not to be.

In the last couple of weeks he has gone in to a relationship with someone from his Toronto days.  Its apparently rather serious as this is the first one causing him to change his facebook status.  No small move if you ask me.  He couldn't be bothered to tell anyone he was seeing me so this must be big.  They also intend to live together in some other state they are still negotiating.  In the mean time, because he can't stand another Seattle winter, Jerremy will be moving to Boise in November.

While as a friend I must be supportive, I felt the rest of my heart associated with that relationship desire shatter to dust.  As I usually do I tossed in one of my depressive gay movies and sobbed in to my pillow.  How sad it is when one has a better emotional relationship with their pillow than a human being.

I'm not sure what will happen with Jerremy.  His vote was to live in Salt lake City, his significant other still deciding.  I hope its just not another situation where he is taking advantage of another person while running away from resolving past conflicts.  Time, as always, will be the great equalizer of all things and it will be seen where it goes.

It's just a sad day that this particular door is now closed and nothing else appears to be opening.  (Sigh) What do I do and how much longer can I do this?  I feel like I'm starting to get too old to handle the feelings and exhaustion of rejection.  With not even a single dating prospect anymore I'm not sure if I want to do this anymore.  I just want to give up.  I suppose for now I stick to what I'm good at... music and desiring not to be single.

A little confused on a monday morning

Ok, so I'm a little confused today, and needed an excuse to post a shameless picture of a sexy guy in his boxers.  Sign me up (thanks Wyatt for posting this on yours)!

After not seeing each other for about two months or talking in a few weeks after things went south in what I hoped would be a potential relationship I was out again yesterday.  Well I'm not sure I would call it a date.  We used the term "hanging out."

But how it all came about just leaves me in a mental fog, or perhaps that is just a side effect of seeing a 3D movie yesterday.  Yeah, don't need to see one of those again, especially with the cost.

So I was at a party hosted by one of my gay college friends on rather short notice Friday. I thought well what the heck, it beats moping around the house trying to find love online through my connexion profile.  So I went.  It was a little later than I like to start things as far as time goes but I hadn't see this friend and his boyfriend in a while so I was due to at least drop in.  It was a new crowd of people for me.  Every last one of them people I didn't previously know - at least for the first few hours of the party.  Now I should mention it was a little bit of a sexy party, the theme being aphrodisiacs, and the requisite adult beverages were there to make it such - not that I ever partake in such drinks. And not surprisingly there were, ahem, sexy things going on.  We'll just say sexual things.  No surprise when you get a room full of buzzed horny gay guys in one room together everything from revealing your manhood to full on, well never mind, would be taking place.  Again I found myself missing out on the fun - but doing those things is no longer a motivator for me anymore.  Perhaps if I were still 23 I would have some how found myself being wild and crazy with them too, but I find myself being more and more removed from the frivolity of youth.  I guess this is what happens when you get old.

So it was very interesting observing.  The evening progressed and additional participants trickled in, some left.  It was quite a surprise when "Junior" of my MoHo connections was to join the fun with two additional friends (also apparently of Moho) persuasion with him.  It was nice not to be the only sober guy at the party.  And with all of the "gettin it on" that was going on it gave me people to hang out with.  One of the guys was really quite cute - young, but cute.  But it doesn't end there.  So Junior decided to call a guy, incidentally the same guy I was seeing until I thought it ended a few weeks ago.

So Junior goes off in to a back room to talk with him and tell him how much fun with other crazy gay men he is missing.  The "significant other" was spending time in Las Vegas, which I was aware of through facebook.  But lo and behold, Junior comes back after a few minutes and hands his phone over to me saying "he would like to talk to you."  I'm not sure what the reaction on my face may have been at the time, probably instant panic.  After all, things ended rather abruptly and we hadn't seen each other for a long time or spoke for a while.  I just didn't know what I would say and I was caught off guard.

So I go back to the same back room and we chatted for a little bit.  I won't dive in to details other than he wanted to apologize and share with me that he is working on some things in his personal life and wanted to see me again and hang out and asked if I had any plans Sunday.  After I was done with all my meetings and things I didn't have any plans so I said sure.

So we made a date as it were.  I had no preconceived ideas or anything.  I intentionally would not let myself read anything in to it other than I was hanging out with someone I know.  We decided to see a movie, Clash of the Titans 3D, and then went to a little dinner afterward.  It was genuinely a pleasant time.  I didn't feel like I had to impress him or worry about what was or wasn't going to happen or other factors.  I didn't feel awkward in the slightest.  We could just enjoy each other's company doing something fun together.  Honestly it was probably the most stress free 4.5 hours I had in a very long time, even though we had to change restaurants since the one we went to was sold out of food.

He had some things to do at home and I had to do some prep work for a class I'm teaching tonight so we parted company after 8PM.  A good thing on a work night.  But I spent the entire drive home dissecting the weekends events.  While I'm not foolish or naive enough to presume this means things between us will resume I did realize something.  And in the non-existent privacy of this blog I'll admit I still have feelings for the guy.  Every time I see him he is cuter then the last I saw him.  Mind you all those feelings are very carefully boxed up in my emotional storage closet (what a turn of a phrase eh?).  But there they are, right where I left them - perhaps with a little more dust on them since the last time they were used.  Rummage through them I did and even recalled some good times, some beautiful moments, and some not so good times.  However I very carefully wrapped them back up, put them in their very safe and sturdy container, and placed them gently and respectfully back on that shelf.  I had to tell myself that now is not the time to pull these back out - but maybe with some of the hopeful signs he gave that perhaps they may be of some use.  Otherwise it will be out with the other stuff for spring cleaning.  But for now, they sit waiting for that right time.

But I'm confused. I just don't know what to make of it, and I'm not willing to risk what I did last time.  I guess I watch and hope while keeping my pace of one day at a time.

The pen is stinkier than the gym sock

Well my one year anniversary post caught on fire in a most unexpected way.  Gosh, I guess some people actually do read the crap I put up.  What a shocker to learn that!  It turned out to be a rather controversial one and obviously some were a little defensive or offended.  That wasn't the point of it but perhaps it got people thinking about some of the choices they made and should continue to make on a regular basis - to stimulate thought rather than apathy.  I guess in that regard it worked.  It's interesting how everyone reaches their conclusions.  I suppose we all do the best we can with the situation given to us at the time.  While I don't have a crystal ball nor all the details for each situation something tells me that really the point of it isn't whether or not you can stay together with someone you may be married to but aren't attracted to or even in love with - even if you should care for your spouse.  The question that I think each couple has to answer is "what can we learn from this situation."  The conundrum of a MOM really is a test of the highest Christian virtues of each involved.  Can you still adhere to the greatest of commandments in a mess like that - unconditional love.

I have to admit that in the situation of some that I know a bit more personally I'm a little jealous at how they pull it off.  Envious of the situation - not at all but certainly humbled.  It truly is amazing and must some how have the hand of the Lord in it.  I see no other way such an adverse circumstance can work so well.  Easy, I'm sure not.  The best option-only they can decide that.  But my goodness to have such commitment in those vows it is inspirational, and whether they know it or not I'm learning a great deal from them-and I hope to be able to be more successful in a relationship of true love for me.  Vows ended up getting me in to a bit of trouble.

I can remember as things were ending in my fake world of heterosexuality how nasty things got.  It was the first time I found myself being assaulted verbally and assaulting right back.  But what made it even worse was the fact the words were true.  I lied about who I was when I got married and she called me on it big time.  I remember during the ceremony having the flickering thought of "why the hell am I doing this, this isn't me."  But I quickly squelched the dissension in my head.  My vows were a sham, and deep down I knew it.  But what was I to do?  What are any of us to do?  If someone were to have stopped it before we said "I do" would it have changed anything?  Would I have even come out or would I have been kicking the can further down the road?  Was this awful situation the thing that could crack my fortress of a closet?  I guess only God knows.

If anything, I hope for all of my friends out there that they won't make the same stupid mistakes I did.   Life is to short and friendships are too precious to be forced to endure such a disaster. Sure, they will have their fair share of oops, but I hope never to the degree I had to experience in order to get my wake up call.   Friends - make every second count where ever you are lead in your journey.  Do so in such a way that none of it is ever taken for granted or wasted.

Blessing and Promise Unfulfilled

I decided at long last to share the patriarchal blessing.  Those still blissfully entrenched in Mormondom may disagree with such a thing equaling the choice to do so about like standing on the street corner in your temple garments.  But since none of the promised blessings ever came to pass I have no problems what so ever giving an additional glimpse in to the Mormon psyche.  Since, according to some-both in and out of the church, I'm already going to hell I may as well take the scenic route.  Of particular mention to the MoHo world may be the section talking about marriage.  Note: a few things have been adjusted or omitted for brevity and security, but otherwise this is a duplication.

12/26/99
Brother Sean, in accordance for your wish for a Patriarchal Blessing and being recommended by your bishop, I lay my hands upon your head and with the authority of the Holy Melchizedek Priesthood, I pronounce and seal unto you a Patriarchal Blessing.  I have this authority from Elder David B. Haight, of the Quorum of the Twelve.  I pronounce the blessing upon you.

You are a son of Ephraim.  Through this line will come your blessing, your responsibilities and duties.  You are of a choice line for Ephraim received the birthright blessing.  For this purpose, those of Ephraim are gathered into the church first.

Brother Haley, you have many great talents.  You have been industriously developing them even further.  You have the duty now to serve in the church as a musician, an organist, and a pianist.  You have the duty to do many good things in the church.  You have the Priesthood of God upon you.  You have many things for your good.  Those of Ephraim are to teach the Lost Tribes as they are called back in.  As the Savior returns to the earth again, the first thing He will do is to call together the Ten Tribes of Israel.  Then, He will usher in the Millennium.  Then he will reign upon the earth throughout the Millennium.  Then He will see that all the temple ordinances are completed for each person who has lived upon the earth and not had this blessing during their lifetime.  These are going to be great and trying times.  They are great for us and they are trying, for they will last a thousand years.  Satan will be put out of our lives. We will put him out ourselves for we will become a righteous people and will not respond to any of his wiles and he will be tied down by lack of support for a thousand years.  In this time, you will be called to serve in a temple of the Lord. You will be called to help to see to the ordinance work for those who have passed on.  You will be a Savior on Mount Zion for family members of your family and others of your wife's family.  If you have none of theirs you can identify, you can go further out and further out on your lines. You can even do some for dear friends.

Brother Haley, these are great choices which you have. You were given the gift of the Holy Ghost.  He will be a comforter for you.  He will help you to make good decisions.  He will help you to be kept from harm and danger.  He will give you power of discernment.  You can recognize Satan and his satanic advances.  You have the power within you now to put him out of your life.  Brother Sean, you have done well in your life already, and you will be sent forth on a mission.  On this mission, you will be able to use your musical talents as well as your knowledge of the true gospel.  You will be able to speak out to the people.  They will recognize that you have a strong testimony.  Even if they don't believe it, they will realize that you testify in a way that they know that you believe what you say, that you are an emissary of God.

Brother Sean, President David O. McKay said every member a missionary.  Even before you go out, you are a missionary by your very action and deeds.  For your good works here, you are recognized as a man of God.  You hold the Priesthood.  You may lay your hands upon some and heal them.  You may bring joy and happiness into homes where they have no hope.  You may bring peace and contentment to many people by your gentle ways and by your dedication to duty.  You have the gifts of many things besides your great gift of music.  You have the gift of friendship, the gift of helping, the gift of being always available, the gift of laying your hands upon the heads of persons and giving them blessings, that you might find joy and happiness as they have the faith to be healed that together you will be able to do many great and wondrous things.

In due time you will meet a girl who is just right for you, who is a member of the church.  You can take her into a temple of the Lord and there be sealed together for time and eternity.  With this blessing, come the blessings of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and for their posterity.

Brother Sean, these are great times.  There is a great separation between the wicked and the righteous, for the righteous are growing more righteous and the wicked are growing more wicked.  Don't even think about getting close to the line.  Always be found doing the Lord's work, dedicating your life unto Him, doing all thing that you know to be right and true.  You and your wife together will have children and be able to teach them correct principles.  You will be able to inspire your wife, and be a patriarch in your home.  You will be able to recognize when things are not proper there, and that you might kneel together in prayer and bring together the family in a more close unit to Heavenly Father's plan.

Brother Haley, these are good times for you for you have a good life ahead of you.  You have the time to do many great things.  You may help your wife to make your home a place of refuge for the children as they go forth and, as you go forth, that you may come home to a clean place, clean from the sins of the world, clean thoughts there, and clean good actions, a good teaching place.  A good place for children to leave their troubles of the world behind them as they return home.  You can send them forth with the good armor of God as they go forth from your home to establish their own homes.  You are sealed to a life of goodness you are foreordained to the very callings that you have now, and for future callings.

I seal these blessings upon you now through your faithfulness, and I do this as a Patriarch in the **** Stake, and in the name of the Lord, Jesus Christ.  Amen.

[Signed by the Stake Patriarch]
 

Reflection

photo by froodmat 

This is my first year being alone over the Christmas holiday.  No one around but me, myself, and I... well and the two cats too.  The roommate (aka "ex") was kind enough to leave a few simple gifts for me to open while she went down to her mom's in Oregon.  I think it was a little foolish for her to travel alone still with the flu and a fever. but why should she listen to me.

At any rate I turned down the offer to drive 3.5 hours to dad's in Wenatchee.  After playing two x-mas eve services and then x-mas day I knew I would be exhausted.  I would have had to come home the next day and it just didn't seem worth it.  I also couldn't screw on a smile and pretend all was well with the world.  So after my last service I came home grabbed a snack and got comfortable on the couch with Mr. Chubbs - my cuddly orange tabby.  We watched 4 movies together - Latter Days, Sister Act 1 & 2, and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.  As is usual with the holiday it was difficult and emotional.

I was having a "gay emotional" day so I had to watch one of my gay movies and get it out.  Of course I bawled through the last half of it, but it was the release I needed.  I opened the gifts and had myself a little left over ham and instant Mormon mashed taters.  I had myself a not so merry little Christmas and that was that.

The sermon in church yesterday was "Christmas: Merry or Messy?"  We always cling to the overly romanticized version of the holiday in attempts to pretend our lives are as put together as we wish they would be.  We forget that Mary was traveling, for all intents and purposes, barefoote and pregnant.  She did not get swept away to the luxurious or clean maternity ward.  There was nowhere for them to stay.  They were in a barn or cave or some other such place where the live stock were kept.  Those not from the city know there are yucky things that accompany animals, and the smells.  Lets not forget the shepherds who were out working and tending their sheep - they certainly didn't smell like the latest Calvin Klein scent with their nicest cardigan on to meet the baby Jesus.  Christ was placed in a manager - a mere feeding trough as their was no crib or bed.  Christmas, folks, is by nature messy.  So this was my first year acknowledging the messiness, the emotions, the loss, the suffering, the supreme loneliness.  I hope and pray it will be the last so that all subsequent years to follow will be more merry and less messy.

I would really like the good things which may be on the horizon to continue.  What's this you may say?  This past weekend I found myself on another date.  I have been on Connexion at the reccomendation of many fellow Moho's for a little while now.  This is the first fruit of the venture and I hope what has started can continue to bloom.  I took another fellow Moho out where we "did coffee" (actually Italian sodas) chatted for a while then I took him to a concert featuring a men's chorus another gay friend just started.  Since most of the guys out there in "gaydom" don't get what it was like to be where we Moho's have been that is where I have set my sights for future relationships.

I think the date went very well.  Not surprisingly there is much in common but yet a lot of unique differences that make things interesting.  I did figure out discussing languages and accents, especially Japanese, is not something I should be commenting on.  Especially when my date ended up living there and speaking it.  You live and you learn.  Hopefully he doesn't hold that one little moment against me.  He got to met some of my crazy music nerd friends and even my high school choir teacher whom I hadn't seen in some 10 years.  But he held his own, even though it was probably a bit much to ask of a date on a first date.  But I am very close to my friends who are my family as those who have read my previous entries can attest.

After the meet and greet it was quite late and both of us needed to get home to go to work in the morning.  But we must have sat in my car for an extra 20 minutes chatting.  We did our goodnight hugs and that was that and I was home by midnight.

It is the days that follow that drive me nuts - yearning to be with him yet again.  Reflecting on the evening I can't get this wonderful guy out of my head.  I can't get my work done because I'm thinking about what I just experienced.  He's incredibly intelligent, amazingly articulate, educated but sadly not with a job in his area of expertise.  He is certainly well read and aware of the world around him, and appreciates the arts and music.  I actually feel a little stupid being with such a smart guy - but it doesn't bother me.  For once I like not having the answers to everything in a conversation.  Oh and did I mention he's outrageously handsome?  Having pictures online and facebook I knew what he looked like and I'm definitely attracted, but the cute well dressed guy that jumped in my car was immeasurably more attractive than any picture or my dreams could have suggested.  I was for a moment a bit speechless - yes he took my breath a way.  It was perhaps bold of him to start the first 10 minutes of the date with some politics, but heck, I'm not shy about it - go for it!

I learned a bit about him.  I think he learned a bit about me.  We've exchanged some texts in the last few days.  And I'm hopefull!!!!  I really want to see where things go with this guy because I think way too much about him.  This is the first guy I haven't been able to get out of my head - and it is new and exciting and different for me.  I hope and I pray...  Should by some happen chance he read this I'll save my beet-red embarrassment for our next date.

And to think this is what I've been missing out on for almost 30 years?!  Oh Lord lead me to the relationship I should have been in from the beginning so that I don't waste another 30 years.  Let me learn from past mistakes.

Latter Days: Chapter 4

One always expects that getting a degree will make you far more accessible to work after college.  I happened to be fortunate to get on with an organ builder who was moving from Portland to Seattle.  The timing seemed divine.  Things were starting to sour at the Episcopal church I was "just the organist" for and I was starting to look for a change.  I was still rooming with a dear friend who became more than an friend.  Right after graduation we went from the 3 bedroom situation we shared with a couple of other friends to just the two of us.  I didn't think much of it at the time but apparently she was seeing it as a deliberate relationship move.  I appreciated her friendship, her openness, acceptance, talents, and abilities to make me feel more complete.  Her name is Sarah.

So, well, living together seemed like the next step in what I thought was a genuine relationship not that I completely thought of it that way at the time.  We had our struggles for sure as the line between being friends to being more romantically involved was thinned.  But there was always a hang up in the relationship I could never put my finger on, until now that is.  While the two of us certainly connected as we tried to explore the more intimate side of the whole boyfriend girlfriend expectation things just weren't clicking.  I was emotionally distant.  Sexual things were always awkward and nothing made sense.  Nothing emotionally or physically felt they way everyone always described it.  I was always confused.  Sure I would not have considered myself very sexually experienced, despite my lies to the contrary to my friends so as to avoid peer scrutiny that I was still a virgin.

During college fresh off of my abbreviated mission experience I was able to liberate myself from some of the bonds tied by my religious upbringing.  For the first time I found something in sexual physicality and I liked it.  What a shock eh?  Be it as it all may as Sarah and I were trying to cultivate a relationship, in the "hetero" sense, I was internally fighting with myself.  I was at war with my faith, and while I couldn't admit it at the time, I was at war with my identity.  While I was new to PLU I had tried to keep going to the local ward near the university.  I was the only college guy there.  I even became involved in stake activities and rather quickly developed a name for myself in the LDS musical arena in the area.  After about a year of trying and pretending I stopped going.  There were too many scars from my mission to that couldn't be so easily forgiven and forgotten.  And the things I was learning on the internet about the history and doctrine of the church began to open my eyes.

I should interject at this point that Sarah is no stranger to Mormonism whatsoever.  She had taken the discussions, has very close friends in the church, even had a thing for another Mormon guy at one point.  As the two of us were living together she thought perhaps what I wanted was someone who was a member of the church, "this must be what he wants," I'm sure she thought.  So she ended up taking the discussions yet again and really asked the tough questions that no missionary likes to hear.  I can remember after she was bored having the missionaries over she told me that with all of the reading and praying and begging that she still never received that holy spirit tingle confirming the "truth" of the book of mormon.  And I told her I wasn't going to convince her to be part of the church, although I know now she hoped it would fix our personal problems.

Even with trying to be in a straight relationship I was still attracted to guys.  I was checking them out offline and online.  It was not uncommon for me to be called out on the carpet by Sarah, "are you checking that guy out," she would say to me while we were out in public.  I always seemed to have an excuse on stand by, but I could not admit that I was gay.  Such things were "worse than death."  There was one point early on in our relationship where she asked me point blank if I was interested in men more than her.  Naturally I said "of course not, it's just a phase," fully thinking that once I was in a relationship with someone I like all of this "checking out the dudes" would go away.

Well it didn't.  I just kept pushing it away as I did wrestling with what I believe.  So time marched onward and Sarah was becoming impatient.  She wanted to be made an honest woman and was looking to settle down, as I had thought I wanted too.  So the pressure was on when it came to looking at engagement rings.  While having no intention to purchase at the time we happened to be at a jewlers that had "the perfect ring."  I can remember the inner turmoil I had over making that purchase, and not a small sum for me.  Four digits for a ring and then another four digits for a diamond was hard enough. But still in the depest denial I went through with it having faith it would all work out.  Being married and having a family was, as my Mormon skewed mind thought, was what God wanted from me.  It was the "right" thing to do, and we all want to "choose the right," always.  After I paid off the ring I had enough courage despite the part of me that was screaming "what the the hell are you doing, you don't want this," to propose on July 4, 2007.  It was another awkward day.  The romantic scene I had in mind just didn't happen that way, but she was glad to finally have the ring on her finger she always wanted.

So we set a date for January 19 2008.  Women seem to like the stress of planning that first marriage.  I didn't care for the extra work load although, admittedly, she did most of the work.  I mean how could I be fully on board for a wedding at least half of me deep down didn't want.  Perhaps the lack of success in some of the planning should have been an omen.  We had difficulty securing a photographer despite personal assurances of their availability.  The guy that took the engagement pictures in rather short notice became unavailable.  The lady we hired and who ultimately shot the wedding had a great artistic sense but ended up loosing her business, and our photos, in a bitter divorce battle.  Lots of money out the window there.  Despite that we decided we didn't really need pictures of a ceremony to make us happy.

The honeymoon was a week long adventure to Disneyworld.  My parents gave a present from their time share and we were privileged to stay in a nice one bedroom suite with a full kitchen and the works.  I secretly hoped to become independently wealthy so I could enjoy such a lifestyle all of the time.  If you are picking up on a theme here, yes things were awkward even on the honeymoon, but yet we were so entranced with enjoying all of Disney that any "issues" were pushed aside.  It was a nice relaxing time there and I wanted it to last forever.

As we started to settle in to being married Sarah was on a quick move to permanency.  We were both tired of apartment living and the unsavory neighbors that often come with it.  So the push to buy a home persisted.  Fortunately a guy in the church I work for was a master realtor and would go to bat for us in the crazy housing market.  The first battle that I would lose was where we would go looking for a house.  I work on the North side of Seattle and she worked in the South end of the county.  In her mind we couldn't possibly afford anything near the big city so we weren't even going to look.  Within weeks she found "the perfect house."  It was indeed quite perfect for her.  Not ten minutes from her job, close to the church we were at, near a super mall, close to all of her friends and business associates.  I got the short end of the stick with a daily hour and fifteen minute commute when traffic is good.  So it is clear who is in charge.

Despite my reservations we went through with the purchase, draining all of our savings for the down payment.  I was committed and had no way out now.  I can remember praying to myself "Oh, God please let this all work out since I can't afford a second chance."  As the economy was going south the company took a bit of a hit, not so much from a slowing in business but from horrible book keeping.  We had hired and placed way too much trust in a bookkeeper that said "don't you worry, I'll take care of everything."  Well it darn near shut us down, and I'm still awaiting backed pay.  But that's a different story.

So we buy the dog nose pink colored house and get to work on it to make it livable.  It had been a rental and was well lived in.  Time and stress filled jobs move forward and we start hitting the same wall in our relationship that we had been hitting time and time again.  She felt she was doing everything both in the relationship and out, and that I was doing nothing.  Perhaps part of that is true.  Newly weds should have love and intimacy dripping off of them - but no, not us.  Things were just as awkward years later, just as they were in the beginning.  We couldn't emotionally connect, and the intimate things of marriage just weren't going to happen.  At the poking of a friend on my facebook who is a very active Mormon I knew it was time to finish what I started in working with my beliefs.

I began really digging in to the doctrine of the church and the history and I just couldn't refute cold hard facts and truth against the church's "faith" in what is believed to be truth.  There was no more running away for me.  The empirical evidence disproving all claims of the Book of Mormon, the existence of a people that Christ visited after his resurrection and its historicity as well as the prophetic abilities of Joseph Smith are damning - most especially with the rediscovery of things like the papyrus the Book of Abraham and facsimiles are "translated" from.  To this day I still find it hard to swallow that I too, being an educated person of keen intellect had been deceived by the "feelings" claiming to be truth.  But we are told in the Bible that there shall arise many false prophets, and even the elect shall be deceived by the cunning of the devil.  There was no more denying that I could not be part of a church of conveniently obscured or lost history, while proof of the Bible story exists to this present day.

While my faith journey is still a new one and I am still grieving the loss of my old faith life, this was a critical and necessary step to finally getting to the root of my personal problems.  With the walls and mental barriers of Mormonism in place the door of sexuality didn't even exist to me.  I was led to believe that being gay was a choice and since, at the time, I did not make such a choice there is no reason whatsoever that I should be unsuccessful in a marriage with a person I cared for.  But then it occurred to me that sexuality is no more of a choice than hair color is.  Now we may make the claim on whether or not we should act on those instincts or "urges" some like to call it.  But there is no changing who I find attractive or like looking at or even desire to be close and intimate with.

When I started looking at this piece of myself I was terrified.  It was the first time I posed the question to myself, "what if I'm not straight?"  And I was scared of it beyond all measure.  Things were finally coming to a head in the marriage.  And after only a year- it was fast.  In what would be the first of many big arguments, a rarity for us in the past, I found out how my wife really wanted to have an affair and had begun looking for such opportunities because I couldn't make her happy.

We started to air our "dirty laundry."  I knew I had to come clean but it was hard to do so, especially since a month or so previous she was starting to push to have children and had gone off birth control.  Not that things were in place where procreation was going to happen at this point in time.  So I took the plunge and came out to her - although claiming bisexuality at the time.  Because I did love her on some level and that should at most make me bi, right?  Well of course I have refined that label to be truer to what I think I am and where I think I will most connect in relationships - and that is with guys and not women.

Interestingly, as all of this heavy major stuff was happening Sarah had reconnected with a mutual roommate guy friend of ours.  And now I have to fill in some more history.

The short story was that Scott was a friend of a friend who ended up a roomie while Sarah and I were in college.  He had parted company with us on somewhat bitter circumstances as he had lost his job due to not showing up, wasn't paying bills or his part of the rent.  He was very depressed from past relationships and hardships.  As he got further in to debt there came a point where I knew we would have to cover his backside just to have a roof over our heads and I told Sarah if that were to ever happen he is out on his ear.  And indeed it did.  We received an eviction notice just a couple weeks before Christmas 2005 and the amount he owed was a severe strain to my bank account.  Fortunately I am pretty good with my money and saving so it got us through as Sarah didn't have the funds to contribute to keep us from being homeless thanks to our friend.  So at great heartache, we kicked him out.  It was hard to do that as Scott was a fun guy when not depressed and was good to be around.  I considered him a long lost brother, and perhaps I was just slightly attracted to him - but not any more.

So after he left we never heard from him again.  A few years past and we often wondered what happened to him.  We found out after he left us that he was living with his mom again.  He eventually got a job working at a major electronics superstore in the area.  There were a few times in recent years where we would see him at this store and didn't know what to do and just avoided him seeing us.  Once he was on facebook he began to reconnect with us albeit at a distance.

Right after I came out to Sarah just prior to Easter of 2009 they had reconnected being at the same parties and events being held by our mutual friend Noah.  Unfortunately they were events I couldn't go to being at work or just simply wasn't invited too.  So they started connecting.  You could guess where this is going and you would be right.

So all of us happened to be at a social event together and after not seeing Scott for several years exchanged pleasantries.  Of course Sarah had seen quite a bit of him in the weeks prior.  I could see in their flirty behavior that there was more at work than just mending burned bridges but I just wasn't sure.

Right at Easter I had come out to my dad and step mom.  They were going to be over at our house for Easter dinner so I wanted to get that off my plate.  I had been so messed up over the first round of coming out to Sarah and the parents that it made life difficult.  I had come close to driving my car off the Ship Canal bridge in to lake Washington fearing that I would lose everything if I told my secret to my wife or my family.  I was fairly sure I would lose my dad telling him, but surprisingly things went better than expected there.  Actually I think my dad has always knew but couldn't say anything.  My little brother who himself wrestles with orientation and gender identity issues understands what I'm going through.  My very Mormon sister however is not adjusting so well.  We had gone rounds after I had professed rather publicly that I wanted nothing more to do with Mormonism.  My brother in law exchanged less than pleasant words with me after I published the first two chapters of my story on my facebook.  My sister, while with much softer choice of words, echoed her husband's sentiment. So lots of family drama too.

While trying to sort things out Sarah and I were both in counseling.  We started on the premise of couples therapy which after only one session turned in to individual sessions with the same counselor.  I latter learned how unethical this was especially as we started talking about divorce.  So the big "D" word finally entered the picture.  Sarah was already checked out of the marriage and wanted off the hook.  I wasn't going to realize how badly that was until I made a fateful mistake.

Since I had taken over the extra room that had been her craft room there was still the transfer of clothes and personals to my new surroundings made up of her hand me down furniture while she got the master bedroom with all of the stuff we purchased as a couple.  She had made the error of leaving her diary out when she and Scott went to a gathering I wasn't invited to. And while it wasn't the right thing to do I knew that she and Scott were not being entirely upfront with me about their relationship.  When Scott found out that we were probably going to divorce he of course expressed his condolences but in the next sentence confessed he was in love with my wife and wanted my permission to enter in to a relationship with her.  I was entirely caught off guard and certainly was not in a state of mind to make a wise choice.  But after his coercion I reluctantly gave in.

So back to Sarah's private book of thoughts... I should mention that anyone not wanting to know the truth about what people are secretly thinking or doing should not be reading another person's journal or diary.  But since there was no remaining trust at this point in the transition of our relationship I just needed some answers and boy did I get them.  Now was it the right thing to do, absolutely not.  While I won't get in to the nitty gritty too much I had learned they had become very involved with each other even before I gave Scott any sort of approval to pursue someone I was still married to.  Yes they were physically involved.  Now the sad thing is that while I was reading more than I wanted to know the two of them were out for the evening and came back late.  I was so upset by what they were doing behind my back I was up all night especially when they were saying it was just casual hanging out.  I felt horribly betrayed.  I couldn't sleep all night so when they finally came in at around 1 a.m. on a work night I was losing it.  They went to my former bedroom and for lack of better words were "going at it" in my house, in my bed etc.  I couldn't handle it any more so I went downstairs and started crashing around the house doing dishes in the middle of the night hoping someone would show themselves wondering what all the noise was. I didn't have the guts to pound on the door and tell them to cut it out.  I wish now that I would have. And then tell the both of them exactly what I was thinking of them at the time for flat out lying to me.  It was clear by the moaning and groaning what both of them were after and while we were still married and hadn't even started divorce proceedings.

I couldn't take it any more, it was the last straw, and I stormed out of the house.  I was done with life done with the bullshit and I was running as quickly as I could to the near by train tracks to end it all.  I was nothing, I had nothing, and their inexcusable actions only proved that they were using me to get to each other.  Especially when Sarah's feelings for Scott, in her own words, were secretly always above those for me, but since he walked out on his responsibilities all those years ago she "settled" for me.

The rail line is always very active in the early morning and I was praying that it would be quick and painless.  It was rather clear that no one cared about me.  I had hoped that they would figure out I left the house and would save me from myself.  But no one came after me to stop me, no one called to say where are you going... No one cared!  There was no reason for me to go on with life.  It was over.

I'm not sure how long I stood at the rail crossing waiting for it to all finally be over.  It seemed like hours.  But for once in the only time I can recall no trains came that night.  I broke down sobbing and cursing God for not letting me end things, but there must have been some reason.  It is to date, the only time I was following through on a suicide plan only to have it be intervened by something I couldn't control.  And it pissed me off.  After breaking down on the curb for a while I picked myself up and sauntered around the block back home.  I would have to endure a little further.

Because of all that I learned from Sarah's diary and what I experienced in their thoughtless acts of the evening and not being able to end things as I designed them, I was wound up.  I had to confess to them that I knew what they were doing.  I was so exhausted that in the early morning it drove me to a panic attack and I needed to vent before I explode.  So I burst in on them in the early morning, naturally they were in a state of undress and I broke down again.  I have never been so close to permanently going off the deep end.  It took hours before I could form a word to say I knew what they were doing and I'm not ok with it happening around my house with someone I still technically have a relationship with.  It took even longer to confess that I read her diary.

But it all came out eventually.  They proclaimed to have not done anything "too intimate." Yet if that were true there would not have been the sounds I witnessed followed by the scurrying for clothes after I barged in on them.  We were at a point of no return.  The divorce had to proceed and things were not easy from that point on.  The fights and back stabbing ensued as we worked through our anger and hostility.  She refused to admit that what the two of them were doing could be construed as her having an affair, but what else do you call it?  While we were working towards divorce, we were not separated, and she became intimately involved with another guy.  While she may have convinced herself that what the two of them were doing wasn't wrong, we fought about it until I lost energy to pick the fights.  Scott and I attempted to talk it out but he was telling me at the time the I should consider myself lucky.  With other guys he wouldn't be so nice as to have even asked me first before pursuing someone I was married to - but according to the timing of Sarah's diary entries and what happened on those "dates", that's exactly what happened.  I was no exception to his predatorial actions of becoming involved with a woman in a committed relationship.  They were involved weeks before they even considered my feelings on the matter.  And months before we signed for divorce and even more months before it finalized. So nothing held water for me from either of them.

Therapy was becoming a dead end and with the problems of health insurance expiring in the company thanks to the bad book keeper was becoming expensive.  In one of our later arguments Sarah had let slip something she was steered towards by the counselor we were both seeing that I had shared in confidence in my session.  While it was indirect it was clear that it was a conflict of interests for us to be seeing the same therapist, especially one that was leading my soon to be ex to certain things that I had discussed in my sessions. There was no trust whatsoever in anyone.  So I ended all therapy although Sarah thought my reason for quitting was because the counselor wasn't telling me what I wanted to hear.  When I reminded her of a point she made that she could have only learned from what I told the counselor she back peddled slightly suggesting that she reached that conclusion on her own.  Either way it was clear I couldn't go back to that counselor.

Still thinking I might be bi I looked in to other support groups for men who were coming out and were married. Sadly all of them dead ends for me.  But I did manage to get some support and meet some kind people at Tacoma PFLAG.  Sarah and I went to a meeting together once early on after I came out but after that she had no desire to return.  I guess she was hoping to drop me off and leave me with others who might sort me out and let her move on with her life with Scott.  Perhaps if we didn't have a mortgage together it would have worked that way.  Kick me out and move a new guy in and pick up where you left off with your story book relationship idea.  But it wasn't going to happen that way.  The housing market is still slow and the house needs more work before it can go back on the market.

We had to endure each other longer.  Summer was in full tilt and I was looking for the next chapter for me in my personal life. I started signing up for all of these gay social networking sites.  Knowing full well I would be completely alone if I didn't move on my personal life.  I started actively seeking out other guys. I was at a point where I pretty much decided to let go of the idea of being bi since I was so burned by a woman and really don't ever want to go back to that.

I went on a first date with a nice guy, who ended up not being my type, but at least I made those first steps.  In all of the other people I've chatted with, I have yet to get past that one and only date.  He was a nice guy but way too tall for me, and was rather shy in person.  I need someone who can hold a conversation.

Being very competitive I couldn't stand seeing Scott and Sarah together all the time.  They are just constantly hanging off each-other when together.  And the discreet attempts to steal a kiss... I can still hear you!!!  It just feels as though they are flaunting this relationship in front of me while trying to pretend that such isn't happening.  When I learned the two of them were going traveling over the 4th of July holiday weekend my stomach turned.  I was able to learn they would be staying in one bed rooms together on their trip.  Mind you the divorce still was not final yet and wouldn't be for at least a month.  But that didn't slow either of them down.  Neither of them seemed to have any respect towards the relationship we had as a married couple to leave it alone until after the divorce.  So I didn't see a need to be so honorable to the nuptials either.  July 3rd a gay friend from Portland was in the area, and we did end up having a bit of a fling together.  I saw no reason why Scott and Sarah are the only ones entitled to some fun.  I sometimes think they wanted me to be miserable while seeing how happy they are together.  Sarah's retaliation.  So I started exploring my gay side, and enjoyed it immensely.  The first time I felt alive and even with someone I didn't have any interest in dating.

While I'm not as strong about it these days as I was just a couple months ago, seeing them together still bothers me.  But now I try to ignore them when ever they are around together - even when they are eating food I pay for etc.  Despite Scott professing early on that he would never want to jeopardize any chance at a friendship between us, it is clear that he is going for the "hoes before bros," to use an expression the other way around.  But I have no loyalty to him what so ever.  I am as polite as I can be and make jokes at his expense, but that is where it ends, and I care for nothing further.  You don't tell me that you would break off the relationship to keep us all friends not wanting to ruin a second attempt to mend the fence only to proceed with having an exclusive relationship with my ex and think that it's going to work out.  There is no having cake and eating it too here.

These days I focus mostly on work and making connections to the gay world I have been ignoring.  I continue in my search for Mr. right.  Everyone that I have been around is surprised I don't have a boyfriend yet.  Thanks for driving that knife in a little further people.  I get the usual comments about how cute I am and smart and all those desirable things. But I'm not stereotypically gay.  My hair stylist just yesterday, she is German by the way, told me that she would have never remotely guessed I was gay.  And I guess therein lies my biggest problem.  I'm not "obviously gay" enough for anyone to be interested in me.  But I'm not about to overhaul my personality or identity any further just to meet a stereotype. I'm not about to wear the tight designer jeans or the skimpy fashion underwear just to publicly profess my gayness (I like my loose/baggy pants and boxers thank you!).  That's not me or who I am.  One thing I learned in all of the mess of this last year is to not lie about who I am.  I'm also not going to start smoking, doing drugs, or get drunk just to appease preconceived labels.  While I like going out with friends to have fun I'm not a party animal and while the gay bar can be entertaining just for people watching purposes, odds are that isn't the sort of person I'm interested in.

But I hope that through some miracle God will cut me a break and bring me to a good guy to be with.  As I have posted in my other blog it pains me to be with out a relationship that everyone else seems to have and says is so easy to get.  It hurts even more so when I'm told how cute and desirable, etc. I am yet there remains 0 interest.  I am still at having only been on one date and the prospects of moving beyond that number seem remote.  But I still hold out a small shred of hope. Not a day goes by where I don't pray for that one guy, heck any guy, just to ask me out.  I've got so much to explore that I just can't do on my own.

So this brings us current - to today.  This is an ongoing journey.  Not the end but the beginning.  I expect that now that my story has been told (while there are some details not put in) that this will evolve to more of a journal and record of my personal life.

To my readers may this give you some insight as to where I've been and perhaps where I hope to be.  It seems like this is a good time to give advice.  First be true and honest to yourself and who you are.  While it may be difficult for those still in relationships that do not fully acknowledge who you are and what you need - be honest with yourself and who you are in a relationship with.  Brushing aside part of who you are will only bring you down harder in the end - believe me.  When possible have faith in God.  Easier said then done for me, but it is a new relationship I'm working on for just myself although I hope my guy would be one of faith.  Don't put your trust in any religion professing restored truth as absolute and innate to just their faith.  Such blind, obedient, faith only leads to destruction.  Love yourself as you want to be loved.  Have trust if nothing else in yourself.  Do not be alone while working with your struggles - find friends to share with.  Trying to work through some things by yourself could only lead to the most permanent of misjudgments - suicide.  Lastly have hope and know that you are not alone.  Somewhere in this big world and even universe there is a least one who loves you for what and who you truly are.

It is a new experience for me to love and care about people I haven't even met.  I think about them often and they may even know who they are.  But it has happened and there are people sending you their positive, loving energies.  Open yourself up to feeling the always present vibes of love in the world- even the love of God who is always there and loves us all at all times.

[to be continued as life unfolds...]

Post Mission, the PLU years: Chapter 3

It was hard letting go of the mission experience before it was my time to be done.  I knew I was under the scrutiny of other missionaries, but several of my close friends in the field knew it had to be done.  It was not the place for me to be and should I stay things would probably only get worse.  But that wasn't nearly as bad as the fears about what people would say back home.  As many know you don't leave a mission early, you just don't do it.... That is unless you've committed some grave transgression and are returning home to be excommunicated or something.  There are days where I wish it would have happened that way since it would have made all that followed a little bit easier.

I didn't know what else to do other than move on with my life as I had wanted to in the first place.  With the help of my dear organ teacher at that time I quickly got back in shape learning new repertoire and preparing for my auditions in to the Pacific Lutheran University School of Music.  Even though the man  I wanted to study organ with was no longer around after his tragic murder on campus, it still seemed like the right thing to do.  Little did I know the good that would come out of this new chapter.

  I started to avoid the church scene but was still going on occasion since it was what I knew.  Being in a new town to go to school gave me a chance at a fresh start but one cannot run away from their problems.  And my past was catching up to me.  I don't know what it is about people in the church where they just feel compelled to ask about where you served your mission and all of those little details.  I wanted to forget my mission ever happened.  I was burned by the church and was trying to let it go.  When I realized that just couldn't go back to the way things were I had to start making some choices.  I knew I couldn't blindly follow the counsel of the brethren as once before.  Doing so led me in to the pit of despair and depression.  One cannot argue around the "spirit led inspiration" that just doesn't come true or does not yield the promised blessings.  I had few alternatives than to start thinking the church wasn't what it claimed.  So I stopped going after already making a name for myself in the stake as an exlemplary musician and organist.  My heart and my spirit were broken from Mormonism.

I dove in to my studies.  As a new student I was, by some miracle, fortunate enough to make in to the top choir of the university, The Choir of the West, without having gone through the hoops of other choirs.  It was a little difficult getting acclimated to such an intense musical surrounding but I face the challenge head on and succeeded.  Choir was tough, it was the most I had worked before, but I loved every minute of the hard work.

I can remember just vaguely, since I was still on the medication prescribed on the mission, one of my first positive spiritual experiences outside of Mormonism.  Every fall choir would go on a brief over night retreat to a Christian camp (Camp Cispus) up in the Cascades near. Mt. Rainer.  We would have fun, play games, and do get to know you things.  The pinnacle of the event was the circle of light.  Essentially we would all sit in a dark room with an unlit candle.  We would share what it was that being in choir, this choir, meant to us.  After doing so our candle would light the candle of the person next to us and then they would share their thoughts and feelings.  And as each shared their story the room would begin to glow with the light of ourselves and dare I say the light of Christ within us.  I don't remember exactly what I shared but I do remember bearing enough of my soul amongst my new found peers to put myself and several other in tears.  I can remember getting a few hugs afterwards.  I can also remember something said at the end about how alone it is sometimes hard to light a big room, but together, we an accomplish amazing things.  Which did indeed come true.  Choir became my family.

Most of the strong and close friendships I have have come from being in Choir.  Our director, a brilliant musician but certainly a little nuts made things difficult.  We were always being challenged musically - that was expected, but sometimes the problems caused in the department by our director would ripple in negative ways.  No one would doubt the brilliant woman had issues, but it was through the struggles of figuring out how to deal with this person where many of us came together to form lasting relationships.  She was always making passive aggressive relationships with her students and other faculty.  One day she was your best friend and wanted to give you everything to succeed.  The next day you were her worst enemy and your other professors were wondering if the stories they were learning about you in faculty meetings from this director were true or fictitious.  Many of us had love-hate relationships with our choir director and went to each other for support when we happened to be a target, but we put that aside to make the most incredible music together.  We were able to touch the lives of those we performed to, they touched our lives, and more importantly we touched the lives of our friends.

I can remember I was the subject of conjecture at one point. A roommate came to me and had to tell me that our dear director was concerned about "my sexual identity issues."  Apparently she was asking friends and other faculty trying to find an answer about me.  I was outraged at the time, the whole gay thing was not even remotely in the picture for me in those days.  But that's who she was.  Many others were the targets of her inquisitiveness or wrath.  But we leaned on each other when she was pissing us off and making life in the music department difficult.

Despite the drama in choir during my time there we achieved near legendary status.  Making recordings that while not the most professionally done did capture our immense ability as a vocal ensemble.
http://www.myspace.com/choirofthewest

We were able to stand next to the power houses of other colleges like St. Olaf, Luther, and Concordia and be on equal footing.  Different in choral approach perhaps, but just at talented and passionate.  The highlight of the choral experience was being at the 2005 National Convention for the American Choral Directors Association in Los Angeles.  We made it part of our tour that year.  For us to learn that there were hundreds and hundreds of choral professionals leaving their tracks and workshops just to her us perform was a momentous achievement.  We were able to pack the LA catholic cathedral for the last of our performances of the convention just due to rumor about this "amazing Lutheran choir from Washington."  The CD released after, God is our Refuge, shows the tangible ability of the friendships forged in those days.

To this day I find it hard to get through one of our signature pieces with out getting choked up, Beautiful Savior arr. Christiansen.  For many of us it was music and the savior that brought us together.  And it was genuine love that kept us in the palm of God's hands as friends

My organ and other music studies were also intense.  I was very proud of my achievements my senior year and performed a stunning capstone recital that now I regret not having recorded.  It was difficult being the last of the "organ mafia" on campus.  The 3 of us guys who were organ majors all at once had a possee that was called the mafia.  The grand pipe organ of PLU draws many Ooos and Ahhs, but for several of us, it brought friendship.  We were inseparable music nerds as were the crowd we rolled with.


My dear friend and fellow ExMoHo Jon who is finishing his DMA in organ has returned to PLU as visiting professor of organ while the University Organist is on sabbatical.  Such connections could not have happened at any other place.  Other friends have gone on to some degree of fame and notoriety including national opera companies.


My time at PLU was one of the most influential, spiritual, and rewarding chapters of my life.  The music making that occured in those years has yet to be rivaled by anything that has followed.  The friends I now consider family... we were all students together finding ourselves and our paths... not completely alone.