Reflection

photo by froodmat 

This is my first year being alone over the Christmas holiday.  No one around but me, myself, and I... well and the two cats too.  The roommate (aka "ex") was kind enough to leave a few simple gifts for me to open while she went down to her mom's in Oregon.  I think it was a little foolish for her to travel alone still with the flu and a fever. but why should she listen to me.

At any rate I turned down the offer to drive 3.5 hours to dad's in Wenatchee.  After playing two x-mas eve services and then x-mas day I knew I would be exhausted.  I would have had to come home the next day and it just didn't seem worth it.  I also couldn't screw on a smile and pretend all was well with the world.  So after my last service I came home grabbed a snack and got comfortable on the couch with Mr. Chubbs - my cuddly orange tabby.  We watched 4 movies together - Latter Days, Sister Act 1 & 2, and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.  As is usual with the holiday it was difficult and emotional.

I was having a "gay emotional" day so I had to watch one of my gay movies and get it out.  Of course I bawled through the last half of it, but it was the release I needed.  I opened the gifts and had myself a little left over ham and instant Mormon mashed taters.  I had myself a not so merry little Christmas and that was that.

The sermon in church yesterday was "Christmas: Merry or Messy?"  We always cling to the overly romanticized version of the holiday in attempts to pretend our lives are as put together as we wish they would be.  We forget that Mary was traveling, for all intents and purposes, barefoote and pregnant.  She did not get swept away to the luxurious or clean maternity ward.  There was nowhere for them to stay.  They were in a barn or cave or some other such place where the live stock were kept.  Those not from the city know there are yucky things that accompany animals, and the smells.  Lets not forget the shepherds who were out working and tending their sheep - they certainly didn't smell like the latest Calvin Klein scent with their nicest cardigan on to meet the baby Jesus.  Christ was placed in a manager - a mere feeding trough as their was no crib or bed.  Christmas, folks, is by nature messy.  So this was my first year acknowledging the messiness, the emotions, the loss, the suffering, the supreme loneliness.  I hope and pray it will be the last so that all subsequent years to follow will be more merry and less messy.

I would really like the good things which may be on the horizon to continue.  What's this you may say?  This past weekend I found myself on another date.  I have been on Connexion at the reccomendation of many fellow Moho's for a little while now.  This is the first fruit of the venture and I hope what has started can continue to bloom.  I took another fellow Moho out where we "did coffee" (actually Italian sodas) chatted for a while then I took him to a concert featuring a men's chorus another gay friend just started.  Since most of the guys out there in "gaydom" don't get what it was like to be where we Moho's have been that is where I have set my sights for future relationships.

I think the date went very well.  Not surprisingly there is much in common but yet a lot of unique differences that make things interesting.  I did figure out discussing languages and accents, especially Japanese, is not something I should be commenting on.  Especially when my date ended up living there and speaking it.  You live and you learn.  Hopefully he doesn't hold that one little moment against me.  He got to met some of my crazy music nerd friends and even my high school choir teacher whom I hadn't seen in some 10 years.  But he held his own, even though it was probably a bit much to ask of a date on a first date.  But I am very close to my friends who are my family as those who have read my previous entries can attest.

After the meet and greet it was quite late and both of us needed to get home to go to work in the morning.  But we must have sat in my car for an extra 20 minutes chatting.  We did our goodnight hugs and that was that and I was home by midnight.

It is the days that follow that drive me nuts - yearning to be with him yet again.  Reflecting on the evening I can't get this wonderful guy out of my head.  I can't get my work done because I'm thinking about what I just experienced.  He's incredibly intelligent, amazingly articulate, educated but sadly not with a job in his area of expertise.  He is certainly well read and aware of the world around him, and appreciates the arts and music.  I actually feel a little stupid being with such a smart guy - but it doesn't bother me.  For once I like not having the answers to everything in a conversation.  Oh and did I mention he's outrageously handsome?  Having pictures online and facebook I knew what he looked like and I'm definitely attracted, but the cute well dressed guy that jumped in my car was immeasurably more attractive than any picture or my dreams could have suggested.  I was for a moment a bit speechless - yes he took my breath a way.  It was perhaps bold of him to start the first 10 minutes of the date with some politics, but heck, I'm not shy about it - go for it!

I learned a bit about him.  I think he learned a bit about me.  We've exchanged some texts in the last few days.  And I'm hopefull!!!!  I really want to see where things go with this guy because I think way too much about him.  This is the first guy I haven't been able to get out of my head - and it is new and exciting and different for me.  I hope and I pray...  Should by some happen chance he read this I'll save my beet-red embarrassment for our next date.

And to think this is what I've been missing out on for almost 30 years?!  Oh Lord lead me to the relationship I should have been in from the beginning so that I don't waste another 30 years.  Let me learn from past mistakes.

Latter Days: Chapter 4

One always expects that getting a degree will make you far more accessible to work after college.  I happened to be fortunate to get on with an organ builder who was moving from Portland to Seattle.  The timing seemed divine.  Things were starting to sour at the Episcopal church I was "just the organist" for and I was starting to look for a change.  I was still rooming with a dear friend who became more than an friend.  Right after graduation we went from the 3 bedroom situation we shared with a couple of other friends to just the two of us.  I didn't think much of it at the time but apparently she was seeing it as a deliberate relationship move.  I appreciated her friendship, her openness, acceptance, talents, and abilities to make me feel more complete.  Her name is Sarah.

So, well, living together seemed like the next step in what I thought was a genuine relationship not that I completely thought of it that way at the time.  We had our struggles for sure as the line between being friends to being more romantically involved was thinned.  But there was always a hang up in the relationship I could never put my finger on, until now that is.  While the two of us certainly connected as we tried to explore the more intimate side of the whole boyfriend girlfriend expectation things just weren't clicking.  I was emotionally distant.  Sexual things were always awkward and nothing made sense.  Nothing emotionally or physically felt they way everyone always described it.  I was always confused.  Sure I would not have considered myself very sexually experienced, despite my lies to the contrary to my friends so as to avoid peer scrutiny that I was still a virgin.

During college fresh off of my abbreviated mission experience I was able to liberate myself from some of the bonds tied by my religious upbringing.  For the first time I found something in sexual physicality and I liked it.  What a shock eh?  Be it as it all may as Sarah and I were trying to cultivate a relationship, in the "hetero" sense, I was internally fighting with myself.  I was at war with my faith, and while I couldn't admit it at the time, I was at war with my identity.  While I was new to PLU I had tried to keep going to the local ward near the university.  I was the only college guy there.  I even became involved in stake activities and rather quickly developed a name for myself in the LDS musical arena in the area.  After about a year of trying and pretending I stopped going.  There were too many scars from my mission to that couldn't be so easily forgiven and forgotten.  And the things I was learning on the internet about the history and doctrine of the church began to open my eyes.

I should interject at this point that Sarah is no stranger to Mormonism whatsoever.  She had taken the discussions, has very close friends in the church, even had a thing for another Mormon guy at one point.  As the two of us were living together she thought perhaps what I wanted was someone who was a member of the church, "this must be what he wants," I'm sure she thought.  So she ended up taking the discussions yet again and really asked the tough questions that no missionary likes to hear.  I can remember after she was bored having the missionaries over she told me that with all of the reading and praying and begging that she still never received that holy spirit tingle confirming the "truth" of the book of mormon.  And I told her I wasn't going to convince her to be part of the church, although I know now she hoped it would fix our personal problems.

Even with trying to be in a straight relationship I was still attracted to guys.  I was checking them out offline and online.  It was not uncommon for me to be called out on the carpet by Sarah, "are you checking that guy out," she would say to me while we were out in public.  I always seemed to have an excuse on stand by, but I could not admit that I was gay.  Such things were "worse than death."  There was one point early on in our relationship where she asked me point blank if I was interested in men more than her.  Naturally I said "of course not, it's just a phase," fully thinking that once I was in a relationship with someone I like all of this "checking out the dudes" would go away.

Well it didn't.  I just kept pushing it away as I did wrestling with what I believe.  So time marched onward and Sarah was becoming impatient.  She wanted to be made an honest woman and was looking to settle down, as I had thought I wanted too.  So the pressure was on when it came to looking at engagement rings.  While having no intention to purchase at the time we happened to be at a jewlers that had "the perfect ring."  I can remember the inner turmoil I had over making that purchase, and not a small sum for me.  Four digits for a ring and then another four digits for a diamond was hard enough. But still in the depest denial I went through with it having faith it would all work out.  Being married and having a family was, as my Mormon skewed mind thought, was what God wanted from me.  It was the "right" thing to do, and we all want to "choose the right," always.  After I paid off the ring I had enough courage despite the part of me that was screaming "what the the hell are you doing, you don't want this," to propose on July 4, 2007.  It was another awkward day.  The romantic scene I had in mind just didn't happen that way, but she was glad to finally have the ring on her finger she always wanted.

So we set a date for January 19 2008.  Women seem to like the stress of planning that first marriage.  I didn't care for the extra work load although, admittedly, she did most of the work.  I mean how could I be fully on board for a wedding at least half of me deep down didn't want.  Perhaps the lack of success in some of the planning should have been an omen.  We had difficulty securing a photographer despite personal assurances of their availability.  The guy that took the engagement pictures in rather short notice became unavailable.  The lady we hired and who ultimately shot the wedding had a great artistic sense but ended up loosing her business, and our photos, in a bitter divorce battle.  Lots of money out the window there.  Despite that we decided we didn't really need pictures of a ceremony to make us happy.

The honeymoon was a week long adventure to Disneyworld.  My parents gave a present from their time share and we were privileged to stay in a nice one bedroom suite with a full kitchen and the works.  I secretly hoped to become independently wealthy so I could enjoy such a lifestyle all of the time.  If you are picking up on a theme here, yes things were awkward even on the honeymoon, but yet we were so entranced with enjoying all of Disney that any "issues" were pushed aside.  It was a nice relaxing time there and I wanted it to last forever.

As we started to settle in to being married Sarah was on a quick move to permanency.  We were both tired of apartment living and the unsavory neighbors that often come with it.  So the push to buy a home persisted.  Fortunately a guy in the church I work for was a master realtor and would go to bat for us in the crazy housing market.  The first battle that I would lose was where we would go looking for a house.  I work on the North side of Seattle and she worked in the South end of the county.  In her mind we couldn't possibly afford anything near the big city so we weren't even going to look.  Within weeks she found "the perfect house."  It was indeed quite perfect for her.  Not ten minutes from her job, close to the church we were at, near a super mall, close to all of her friends and business associates.  I got the short end of the stick with a daily hour and fifteen minute commute when traffic is good.  So it is clear who is in charge.

Despite my reservations we went through with the purchase, draining all of our savings for the down payment.  I was committed and had no way out now.  I can remember praying to myself "Oh, God please let this all work out since I can't afford a second chance."  As the economy was going south the company took a bit of a hit, not so much from a slowing in business but from horrible book keeping.  We had hired and placed way too much trust in a bookkeeper that said "don't you worry, I'll take care of everything."  Well it darn near shut us down, and I'm still awaiting backed pay.  But that's a different story.

So we buy the dog nose pink colored house and get to work on it to make it livable.  It had been a rental and was well lived in.  Time and stress filled jobs move forward and we start hitting the same wall in our relationship that we had been hitting time and time again.  She felt she was doing everything both in the relationship and out, and that I was doing nothing.  Perhaps part of that is true.  Newly weds should have love and intimacy dripping off of them - but no, not us.  Things were just as awkward years later, just as they were in the beginning.  We couldn't emotionally connect, and the intimate things of marriage just weren't going to happen.  At the poking of a friend on my facebook who is a very active Mormon I knew it was time to finish what I started in working with my beliefs.

I began really digging in to the doctrine of the church and the history and I just couldn't refute cold hard facts and truth against the church's "faith" in what is believed to be truth.  There was no more running away for me.  The empirical evidence disproving all claims of the Book of Mormon, the existence of a people that Christ visited after his resurrection and its historicity as well as the prophetic abilities of Joseph Smith are damning - most especially with the rediscovery of things like the papyrus the Book of Abraham and facsimiles are "translated" from.  To this day I still find it hard to swallow that I too, being an educated person of keen intellect had been deceived by the "feelings" claiming to be truth.  But we are told in the Bible that there shall arise many false prophets, and even the elect shall be deceived by the cunning of the devil.  There was no more denying that I could not be part of a church of conveniently obscured or lost history, while proof of the Bible story exists to this present day.

While my faith journey is still a new one and I am still grieving the loss of my old faith life, this was a critical and necessary step to finally getting to the root of my personal problems.  With the walls and mental barriers of Mormonism in place the door of sexuality didn't even exist to me.  I was led to believe that being gay was a choice and since, at the time, I did not make such a choice there is no reason whatsoever that I should be unsuccessful in a marriage with a person I cared for.  But then it occurred to me that sexuality is no more of a choice than hair color is.  Now we may make the claim on whether or not we should act on those instincts or "urges" some like to call it.  But there is no changing who I find attractive or like looking at or even desire to be close and intimate with.

When I started looking at this piece of myself I was terrified.  It was the first time I posed the question to myself, "what if I'm not straight?"  And I was scared of it beyond all measure.  Things were finally coming to a head in the marriage.  And after only a year- it was fast.  In what would be the first of many big arguments, a rarity for us in the past, I found out how my wife really wanted to have an affair and had begun looking for such opportunities because I couldn't make her happy.

We started to air our "dirty laundry."  I knew I had to come clean but it was hard to do so, especially since a month or so previous she was starting to push to have children and had gone off birth control.  Not that things were in place where procreation was going to happen at this point in time.  So I took the plunge and came out to her - although claiming bisexuality at the time.  Because I did love her on some level and that should at most make me bi, right?  Well of course I have refined that label to be truer to what I think I am and where I think I will most connect in relationships - and that is with guys and not women.

Interestingly, as all of this heavy major stuff was happening Sarah had reconnected with a mutual roommate guy friend of ours.  And now I have to fill in some more history.

The short story was that Scott was a friend of a friend who ended up a roomie while Sarah and I were in college.  He had parted company with us on somewhat bitter circumstances as he had lost his job due to not showing up, wasn't paying bills or his part of the rent.  He was very depressed from past relationships and hardships.  As he got further in to debt there came a point where I knew we would have to cover his backside just to have a roof over our heads and I told Sarah if that were to ever happen he is out on his ear.  And indeed it did.  We received an eviction notice just a couple weeks before Christmas 2005 and the amount he owed was a severe strain to my bank account.  Fortunately I am pretty good with my money and saving so it got us through as Sarah didn't have the funds to contribute to keep us from being homeless thanks to our friend.  So at great heartache, we kicked him out.  It was hard to do that as Scott was a fun guy when not depressed and was good to be around.  I considered him a long lost brother, and perhaps I was just slightly attracted to him - but not any more.

So after he left we never heard from him again.  A few years past and we often wondered what happened to him.  We found out after he left us that he was living with his mom again.  He eventually got a job working at a major electronics superstore in the area.  There were a few times in recent years where we would see him at this store and didn't know what to do and just avoided him seeing us.  Once he was on facebook he began to reconnect with us albeit at a distance.

Right after I came out to Sarah just prior to Easter of 2009 they had reconnected being at the same parties and events being held by our mutual friend Noah.  Unfortunately they were events I couldn't go to being at work or just simply wasn't invited too.  So they started connecting.  You could guess where this is going and you would be right.

So all of us happened to be at a social event together and after not seeing Scott for several years exchanged pleasantries.  Of course Sarah had seen quite a bit of him in the weeks prior.  I could see in their flirty behavior that there was more at work than just mending burned bridges but I just wasn't sure.

Right at Easter I had come out to my dad and step mom.  They were going to be over at our house for Easter dinner so I wanted to get that off my plate.  I had been so messed up over the first round of coming out to Sarah and the parents that it made life difficult.  I had come close to driving my car off the Ship Canal bridge in to lake Washington fearing that I would lose everything if I told my secret to my wife or my family.  I was fairly sure I would lose my dad telling him, but surprisingly things went better than expected there.  Actually I think my dad has always knew but couldn't say anything.  My little brother who himself wrestles with orientation and gender identity issues understands what I'm going through.  My very Mormon sister however is not adjusting so well.  We had gone rounds after I had professed rather publicly that I wanted nothing more to do with Mormonism.  My brother in law exchanged less than pleasant words with me after I published the first two chapters of my story on my facebook.  My sister, while with much softer choice of words, echoed her husband's sentiment. So lots of family drama too.

While trying to sort things out Sarah and I were both in counseling.  We started on the premise of couples therapy which after only one session turned in to individual sessions with the same counselor.  I latter learned how unethical this was especially as we started talking about divorce.  So the big "D" word finally entered the picture.  Sarah was already checked out of the marriage and wanted off the hook.  I wasn't going to realize how badly that was until I made a fateful mistake.

Since I had taken over the extra room that had been her craft room there was still the transfer of clothes and personals to my new surroundings made up of her hand me down furniture while she got the master bedroom with all of the stuff we purchased as a couple.  She had made the error of leaving her diary out when she and Scott went to a gathering I wasn't invited to. And while it wasn't the right thing to do I knew that she and Scott were not being entirely upfront with me about their relationship.  When Scott found out that we were probably going to divorce he of course expressed his condolences but in the next sentence confessed he was in love with my wife and wanted my permission to enter in to a relationship with her.  I was entirely caught off guard and certainly was not in a state of mind to make a wise choice.  But after his coercion I reluctantly gave in.

So back to Sarah's private book of thoughts... I should mention that anyone not wanting to know the truth about what people are secretly thinking or doing should not be reading another person's journal or diary.  But since there was no remaining trust at this point in the transition of our relationship I just needed some answers and boy did I get them.  Now was it the right thing to do, absolutely not.  While I won't get in to the nitty gritty too much I had learned they had become very involved with each other even before I gave Scott any sort of approval to pursue someone I was still married to.  Yes they were physically involved.  Now the sad thing is that while I was reading more than I wanted to know the two of them were out for the evening and came back late.  I was so upset by what they were doing behind my back I was up all night especially when they were saying it was just casual hanging out.  I felt horribly betrayed.  I couldn't sleep all night so when they finally came in at around 1 a.m. on a work night I was losing it.  They went to my former bedroom and for lack of better words were "going at it" in my house, in my bed etc.  I couldn't handle it any more so I went downstairs and started crashing around the house doing dishes in the middle of the night hoping someone would show themselves wondering what all the noise was. I didn't have the guts to pound on the door and tell them to cut it out.  I wish now that I would have. And then tell the both of them exactly what I was thinking of them at the time for flat out lying to me.  It was clear by the moaning and groaning what both of them were after and while we were still married and hadn't even started divorce proceedings.

I couldn't take it any more, it was the last straw, and I stormed out of the house.  I was done with life done with the bullshit and I was running as quickly as I could to the near by train tracks to end it all.  I was nothing, I had nothing, and their inexcusable actions only proved that they were using me to get to each other.  Especially when Sarah's feelings for Scott, in her own words, were secretly always above those for me, but since he walked out on his responsibilities all those years ago she "settled" for me.

The rail line is always very active in the early morning and I was praying that it would be quick and painless.  It was rather clear that no one cared about me.  I had hoped that they would figure out I left the house and would save me from myself.  But no one came after me to stop me, no one called to say where are you going... No one cared!  There was no reason for me to go on with life.  It was over.

I'm not sure how long I stood at the rail crossing waiting for it to all finally be over.  It seemed like hours.  But for once in the only time I can recall no trains came that night.  I broke down sobbing and cursing God for not letting me end things, but there must have been some reason.  It is to date, the only time I was following through on a suicide plan only to have it be intervened by something I couldn't control.  And it pissed me off.  After breaking down on the curb for a while I picked myself up and sauntered around the block back home.  I would have to endure a little further.

Because of all that I learned from Sarah's diary and what I experienced in their thoughtless acts of the evening and not being able to end things as I designed them, I was wound up.  I had to confess to them that I knew what they were doing.  I was so exhausted that in the early morning it drove me to a panic attack and I needed to vent before I explode.  So I burst in on them in the early morning, naturally they were in a state of undress and I broke down again.  I have never been so close to permanently going off the deep end.  It took hours before I could form a word to say I knew what they were doing and I'm not ok with it happening around my house with someone I still technically have a relationship with.  It took even longer to confess that I read her diary.

But it all came out eventually.  They proclaimed to have not done anything "too intimate." Yet if that were true there would not have been the sounds I witnessed followed by the scurrying for clothes after I barged in on them.  We were at a point of no return.  The divorce had to proceed and things were not easy from that point on.  The fights and back stabbing ensued as we worked through our anger and hostility.  She refused to admit that what the two of them were doing could be construed as her having an affair, but what else do you call it?  While we were working towards divorce, we were not separated, and she became intimately involved with another guy.  While she may have convinced herself that what the two of them were doing wasn't wrong, we fought about it until I lost energy to pick the fights.  Scott and I attempted to talk it out but he was telling me at the time the I should consider myself lucky.  With other guys he wouldn't be so nice as to have even asked me first before pursuing someone I was married to - but according to the timing of Sarah's diary entries and what happened on those "dates", that's exactly what happened.  I was no exception to his predatorial actions of becoming involved with a woman in a committed relationship.  They were involved weeks before they even considered my feelings on the matter.  And months before we signed for divorce and even more months before it finalized. So nothing held water for me from either of them.

Therapy was becoming a dead end and with the problems of health insurance expiring in the company thanks to the bad book keeper was becoming expensive.  In one of our later arguments Sarah had let slip something she was steered towards by the counselor we were both seeing that I had shared in confidence in my session.  While it was indirect it was clear that it was a conflict of interests for us to be seeing the same therapist, especially one that was leading my soon to be ex to certain things that I had discussed in my sessions. There was no trust whatsoever in anyone.  So I ended all therapy although Sarah thought my reason for quitting was because the counselor wasn't telling me what I wanted to hear.  When I reminded her of a point she made that she could have only learned from what I told the counselor she back peddled slightly suggesting that she reached that conclusion on her own.  Either way it was clear I couldn't go back to that counselor.

Still thinking I might be bi I looked in to other support groups for men who were coming out and were married. Sadly all of them dead ends for me.  But I did manage to get some support and meet some kind people at Tacoma PFLAG.  Sarah and I went to a meeting together once early on after I came out but after that she had no desire to return.  I guess she was hoping to drop me off and leave me with others who might sort me out and let her move on with her life with Scott.  Perhaps if we didn't have a mortgage together it would have worked that way.  Kick me out and move a new guy in and pick up where you left off with your story book relationship idea.  But it wasn't going to happen that way.  The housing market is still slow and the house needs more work before it can go back on the market.

We had to endure each other longer.  Summer was in full tilt and I was looking for the next chapter for me in my personal life. I started signing up for all of these gay social networking sites.  Knowing full well I would be completely alone if I didn't move on my personal life.  I started actively seeking out other guys. I was at a point where I pretty much decided to let go of the idea of being bi since I was so burned by a woman and really don't ever want to go back to that.

I went on a first date with a nice guy, who ended up not being my type, but at least I made those first steps.  In all of the other people I've chatted with, I have yet to get past that one and only date.  He was a nice guy but way too tall for me, and was rather shy in person.  I need someone who can hold a conversation.

Being very competitive I couldn't stand seeing Scott and Sarah together all the time.  They are just constantly hanging off each-other when together.  And the discreet attempts to steal a kiss... I can still hear you!!!  It just feels as though they are flaunting this relationship in front of me while trying to pretend that such isn't happening.  When I learned the two of them were going traveling over the 4th of July holiday weekend my stomach turned.  I was able to learn they would be staying in one bed rooms together on their trip.  Mind you the divorce still was not final yet and wouldn't be for at least a month.  But that didn't slow either of them down.  Neither of them seemed to have any respect towards the relationship we had as a married couple to leave it alone until after the divorce.  So I didn't see a need to be so honorable to the nuptials either.  July 3rd a gay friend from Portland was in the area, and we did end up having a bit of a fling together.  I saw no reason why Scott and Sarah are the only ones entitled to some fun.  I sometimes think they wanted me to be miserable while seeing how happy they are together.  Sarah's retaliation.  So I started exploring my gay side, and enjoyed it immensely.  The first time I felt alive and even with someone I didn't have any interest in dating.

While I'm not as strong about it these days as I was just a couple months ago, seeing them together still bothers me.  But now I try to ignore them when ever they are around together - even when they are eating food I pay for etc.  Despite Scott professing early on that he would never want to jeopardize any chance at a friendship between us, it is clear that he is going for the "hoes before bros," to use an expression the other way around.  But I have no loyalty to him what so ever.  I am as polite as I can be and make jokes at his expense, but that is where it ends, and I care for nothing further.  You don't tell me that you would break off the relationship to keep us all friends not wanting to ruin a second attempt to mend the fence only to proceed with having an exclusive relationship with my ex and think that it's going to work out.  There is no having cake and eating it too here.

These days I focus mostly on work and making connections to the gay world I have been ignoring.  I continue in my search for Mr. right.  Everyone that I have been around is surprised I don't have a boyfriend yet.  Thanks for driving that knife in a little further people.  I get the usual comments about how cute I am and smart and all those desirable things. But I'm not stereotypically gay.  My hair stylist just yesterday, she is German by the way, told me that she would have never remotely guessed I was gay.  And I guess therein lies my biggest problem.  I'm not "obviously gay" enough for anyone to be interested in me.  But I'm not about to overhaul my personality or identity any further just to meet a stereotype. I'm not about to wear the tight designer jeans or the skimpy fashion underwear just to publicly profess my gayness (I like my loose/baggy pants and boxers thank you!).  That's not me or who I am.  One thing I learned in all of the mess of this last year is to not lie about who I am.  I'm also not going to start smoking, doing drugs, or get drunk just to appease preconceived labels.  While I like going out with friends to have fun I'm not a party animal and while the gay bar can be entertaining just for people watching purposes, odds are that isn't the sort of person I'm interested in.

But I hope that through some miracle God will cut me a break and bring me to a good guy to be with.  As I have posted in my other blog it pains me to be with out a relationship that everyone else seems to have and says is so easy to get.  It hurts even more so when I'm told how cute and desirable, etc. I am yet there remains 0 interest.  I am still at having only been on one date and the prospects of moving beyond that number seem remote.  But I still hold out a small shred of hope. Not a day goes by where I don't pray for that one guy, heck any guy, just to ask me out.  I've got so much to explore that I just can't do on my own.

So this brings us current - to today.  This is an ongoing journey.  Not the end but the beginning.  I expect that now that my story has been told (while there are some details not put in) that this will evolve to more of a journal and record of my personal life.

To my readers may this give you some insight as to where I've been and perhaps where I hope to be.  It seems like this is a good time to give advice.  First be true and honest to yourself and who you are.  While it may be difficult for those still in relationships that do not fully acknowledge who you are and what you need - be honest with yourself and who you are in a relationship with.  Brushing aside part of who you are will only bring you down harder in the end - believe me.  When possible have faith in God.  Easier said then done for me, but it is a new relationship I'm working on for just myself although I hope my guy would be one of faith.  Don't put your trust in any religion professing restored truth as absolute and innate to just their faith.  Such blind, obedient, faith only leads to destruction.  Love yourself as you want to be loved.  Have trust if nothing else in yourself.  Do not be alone while working with your struggles - find friends to share with.  Trying to work through some things by yourself could only lead to the most permanent of misjudgments - suicide.  Lastly have hope and know that you are not alone.  Somewhere in this big world and even universe there is a least one who loves you for what and who you truly are.

It is a new experience for me to love and care about people I haven't even met.  I think about them often and they may even know who they are.  But it has happened and there are people sending you their positive, loving energies.  Open yourself up to feeling the always present vibes of love in the world- even the love of God who is always there and loves us all at all times.

[to be continued as life unfolds...]

Post Mission, the PLU years: Chapter 3

It was hard letting go of the mission experience before it was my time to be done.  I knew I was under the scrutiny of other missionaries, but several of my close friends in the field knew it had to be done.  It was not the place for me to be and should I stay things would probably only get worse.  But that wasn't nearly as bad as the fears about what people would say back home.  As many know you don't leave a mission early, you just don't do it.... That is unless you've committed some grave transgression and are returning home to be excommunicated or something.  There are days where I wish it would have happened that way since it would have made all that followed a little bit easier.

I didn't know what else to do other than move on with my life as I had wanted to in the first place.  With the help of my dear organ teacher at that time I quickly got back in shape learning new repertoire and preparing for my auditions in to the Pacific Lutheran University School of Music.  Even though the man  I wanted to study organ with was no longer around after his tragic murder on campus, it still seemed like the right thing to do.  Little did I know the good that would come out of this new chapter.

  I started to avoid the church scene but was still going on occasion since it was what I knew.  Being in a new town to go to school gave me a chance at a fresh start but one cannot run away from their problems.  And my past was catching up to me.  I don't know what it is about people in the church where they just feel compelled to ask about where you served your mission and all of those little details.  I wanted to forget my mission ever happened.  I was burned by the church and was trying to let it go.  When I realized that just couldn't go back to the way things were I had to start making some choices.  I knew I couldn't blindly follow the counsel of the brethren as once before.  Doing so led me in to the pit of despair and depression.  One cannot argue around the "spirit led inspiration" that just doesn't come true or does not yield the promised blessings.  I had few alternatives than to start thinking the church wasn't what it claimed.  So I stopped going after already making a name for myself in the stake as an exlemplary musician and organist.  My heart and my spirit were broken from Mormonism.

I dove in to my studies.  As a new student I was, by some miracle, fortunate enough to make in to the top choir of the university, The Choir of the West, without having gone through the hoops of other choirs.  It was a little difficult getting acclimated to such an intense musical surrounding but I face the challenge head on and succeeded.  Choir was tough, it was the most I had worked before, but I loved every minute of the hard work.

I can remember just vaguely, since I was still on the medication prescribed on the mission, one of my first positive spiritual experiences outside of Mormonism.  Every fall choir would go on a brief over night retreat to a Christian camp (Camp Cispus) up in the Cascades near. Mt. Rainer.  We would have fun, play games, and do get to know you things.  The pinnacle of the event was the circle of light.  Essentially we would all sit in a dark room with an unlit candle.  We would share what it was that being in choir, this choir, meant to us.  After doing so our candle would light the candle of the person next to us and then they would share their thoughts and feelings.  And as each shared their story the room would begin to glow with the light of ourselves and dare I say the light of Christ within us.  I don't remember exactly what I shared but I do remember bearing enough of my soul amongst my new found peers to put myself and several other in tears.  I can remember getting a few hugs afterwards.  I can also remember something said at the end about how alone it is sometimes hard to light a big room, but together, we an accomplish amazing things.  Which did indeed come true.  Choir became my family.

Most of the strong and close friendships I have have come from being in Choir.  Our director, a brilliant musician but certainly a little nuts made things difficult.  We were always being challenged musically - that was expected, but sometimes the problems caused in the department by our director would ripple in negative ways.  No one would doubt the brilliant woman had issues, but it was through the struggles of figuring out how to deal with this person where many of us came together to form lasting relationships.  She was always making passive aggressive relationships with her students and other faculty.  One day she was your best friend and wanted to give you everything to succeed.  The next day you were her worst enemy and your other professors were wondering if the stories they were learning about you in faculty meetings from this director were true or fictitious.  Many of us had love-hate relationships with our choir director and went to each other for support when we happened to be a target, but we put that aside to make the most incredible music together.  We were able to touch the lives of those we performed to, they touched our lives, and more importantly we touched the lives of our friends.

I can remember I was the subject of conjecture at one point. A roommate came to me and had to tell me that our dear director was concerned about "my sexual identity issues."  Apparently she was asking friends and other faculty trying to find an answer about me.  I was outraged at the time, the whole gay thing was not even remotely in the picture for me in those days.  But that's who she was.  Many others were the targets of her inquisitiveness or wrath.  But we leaned on each other when she was pissing us off and making life in the music department difficult.

Despite the drama in choir during my time there we achieved near legendary status.  Making recordings that while not the most professionally done did capture our immense ability as a vocal ensemble.
http://www.myspace.com/choirofthewest

We were able to stand next to the power houses of other colleges like St. Olaf, Luther, and Concordia and be on equal footing.  Different in choral approach perhaps, but just at talented and passionate.  The highlight of the choral experience was being at the 2005 National Convention for the American Choral Directors Association in Los Angeles.  We made it part of our tour that year.  For us to learn that there were hundreds and hundreds of choral professionals leaving their tracks and workshops just to her us perform was a momentous achievement.  We were able to pack the LA catholic cathedral for the last of our performances of the convention just due to rumor about this "amazing Lutheran choir from Washington."  The CD released after, God is our Refuge, shows the tangible ability of the friendships forged in those days.

To this day I find it hard to get through one of our signature pieces with out getting choked up, Beautiful Savior arr. Christiansen.  For many of us it was music and the savior that brought us together.  And it was genuine love that kept us in the palm of God's hands as friends

My organ and other music studies were also intense.  I was very proud of my achievements my senior year and performed a stunning capstone recital that now I regret not having recorded.  It was difficult being the last of the "organ mafia" on campus.  The 3 of us guys who were organ majors all at once had a possee that was called the mafia.  The grand pipe organ of PLU draws many Ooos and Ahhs, but for several of us, it brought friendship.  We were inseparable music nerds as were the crowd we rolled with.


My dear friend and fellow ExMoHo Jon who is finishing his DMA in organ has returned to PLU as visiting professor of organ while the University Organist is on sabbatical.  Such connections could not have happened at any other place.  Other friends have gone on to some degree of fame and notoriety including national opera companies.


My time at PLU was one of the most influential, spiritual, and rewarding chapters of my life.  The music making that occured in those years has yet to be rivaled by anything that has followed.  The friends I now consider family... we were all students together finding ourselves and our paths... not completely alone.

The Mission: Chapter 2

[For those jumping in at this point please note all cautionary remarks at the beginning of VOL. I.]

My mission experience was hard. It was the next major struggle and the first battle for my life. For reasons I can't fully explain many faithful young men in the church have a trying mission. A few have little or no difficulty, wrongly attributed by some as an individual being more righteous or faithful. For others it ends up being the first time they contemplate suicide as a means of leaving the hardships behind. Whatever the circumstances many good young LDS guys are able to reconcile the hardships, the things they experience, and end up staying fully active and faithful to the church. Others get driven out or drive themselves out while in the mission field frequently, and again often wrongly, attributed to serious sin and transgression. And for more still leaving the church comes as a slow process of realization as one comes to terms with their experiences. Given the circumstances I'm a little surprised now that I was a bit of a slow mover, but I have always been a little cautious moving quickly on anything in my personal life.

So it puzzles me why so many guys have such incredibly diverse reactions to being fully in the service of the church. My own answer to the question is that serving a mission is ultimately less about the bringing of people in the the church, and is more of a testing ground of your individual faithfulness. Sure the building of the kingdom by way of conversion is a nice bonus, but it isn't just about those you are trying to convert. It is also about you being fully converted to giving everything your are or have to the church as well.

Interestingly there does seem to be a facet of blind obedience to your leaders while a missionary. For most you are stripped of your identity, all of your former life becomes inconsequential. The MTC gives you a new one - that of a faithful and passionate young person desiring above all else to share the fullness of truth to a seemingly darkened world. You are given all that you need to say and do to persuade the men and women of the world that you have something they don't posses that will bring them everlasting happiness in this world and in the life everlasting. Even if you have doubts yourself as a missionary you are given promises of blessings of understanding and comprehension - a testimony of the truthfulness of the restored church. For each of the number of times I went "well I don't know about this," it was proclaimed to me two fold that I would be blessed with a full testimony of the truth as a servant of the Lord.

Now testimonies are an interesting thing for members of the church. Any non-member of the church can walk in to any fast and testimony meeting held once a month and experience how it all begins as a little child. How so much begins as a child. So many find it cute to see the children just barely able to form a sentence get taken (or for some dragged) to the pulpit by their parent and give the standard form of testimony. Depending upon the age the amount of detail will increase accordingly but generally goes as follows... "I'd like to bear my testimony. I know this church is true. I know that Joseph Smith was a prophet. I know the Book of Mormon is true. I know Thomas S. Monson is prophet of the church today... In-the-name-of-Jesus Christ-amen." It is not uncommon to have a succession of youngsters say just those things in amongst the travelogues and [temple] experiences of the more seasoned members.

Perhaps my parents would be seen as not being diligent by not dragging us up there to follow the rank and file. I cannot think of any time where we were forced to do that. There were the occasional nudges from mom or dad as we became teenagers - but never forced. I suppose if it wasn't for the shyness fostered from very protective parenting perhaps we may have participated of our own accord. But it is a testimony to the truth that holds the church and all it's members together - from the president of the church on down to the newest member. Without a sure testimony of truth, however small it may be, you have nothing in the church.

There has been a saying, I believe originally by Brigham Young, talking about the church and it being founded upon truth. Various general authorities in the church have reiterated since but it goes something like this; "The church and all that flows from it is either true or it isn't. If it is, it is the most wondrous and miraculous sharing of God's love for his children. If it isn't then it is the biggest fraud and should be exposed." While in untainted/unbiased empirical terms and evidence it remains to be seen how true the LDS church is. It will only be seen come the end of one's life or the very return of Christ himself. While I won't get in to that debate within my story this is the very axiom of absolute nature the church exists upon. It is the testimony in which that truth can only be rooted. There is no gray area, and members I think will support the view that it is either all true or not at all. You have to believe it all or you can't believe in any of it because it is built upon itself "line upon line, precept upon precept." This is probably one of the harder things for me. It's like the game Jenga. You can only remove so many blocks before the whole things falls to ruin. In the mission field I started looking at those blocks and my tower did fall.

As I mentioned in my previous volume the experience in the Missionary Training Center is intense and powerful. It certainly gives even the doubting Thomas' something to cling to. You don't have time to ponder or doubt because you are caught up in learning to be an effective instruments in the Lord's hand. You are to learn the discussions and extra points go to those that memorize them before leaving. When you aren't memorizing you should be studying the scriptures, primarily the Book of Mormon. All of that is during the time you are not in a class or fireside where the missionary hymns of the church, and spoken word from leaders and teachers are fanning the flames of passion and zeal to proclaim God's restoration of the fullness of truth. It's infectious - almost like some sort of religious illicit drug. Once you get a taste of it and like it you want or demand more. It feels so incredibly good how could anyone live without that feeling - and instantly that gets equated to being the truth of the church and the confirmation of truth from the Spirit of God. No time is wasted in connecting the affirmation of truthful feelings there.

An example of how emotional energy or hype is equated to being the Spirit of the Lord can be seen here in a recent production by the church for youth. I guess if you feel that same feeling at a "more worldly" rock concert that would also be the Spirit too, wouldn't it?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_fbblj8hbKM&fmt=18

Even with the doubts I knew I had, being in those large rooms with others singing the energizing Hymns of the faith had me believing in the truthfulness of the church "beyond the shadow of a doubt." It was even more intense being on the listening end of it. Yes my talents at the piano were put to regular use rather quickly while at the MTC and I became rather popular at the piano. When you hear all of those voices united in the cause and purpose of the church there is no feeling like it in any ward, stake, or temple session. It is no wonder many have claimed to see angels walking the halls of the MTC. It seems to me that the fire of the church starts within that place. Even celebrating my 21st birthday while there paled in comparison to the energy and importance of missionary work at the MTC. And music, I would learn, is a key influence in my journey.

I had thought that music would play a key role in my time as a missionary. It had briefly at the MTC and I was told the Lord would bless me as I use those talents in His service. I had hoped and prayed it would carry over to the field. How wrong I was. My mission president, a kind soft spoken man, had the promptings of the Spirit (so I thought) to ask me not to go near a piano or organ while on my mission. It was explained to me by him that the Lord desired that I develop my other spiritual gifts and that music would have been too much of a crutch or distraction in converting people to the gospel. Now it is interesting to note at this point that the Alaska Anchorage Mission (AAM) had a bit of a tradition sending musically inclined Elders and Sisters around presenting concerts and using their gifts. One of my key teachers at the MTC who had just returned from serving in Alaska mentioned this and thought I would fit in well. I had thought that my call to be sent there was rather divinely inspired if this was the case. But it appears that someone didn't get the memo from the Spirit somewhere along the line. Since the Lord is asking me to give something up that is a huge part of who I am how could I refuse? And so I did - and in so doing the struggles and pain began. The work got harder, I had difficulty getting along with others or at least the more zealous Elders. I lost focus and life began to be less worth living. Depression set in. Coincidentally or not the mission president was a psychologist that taught at BYU-I and put me in to therapy with a LDS network therapist and I was put on anti-depressants. I was told I would get better and was blessed to carry on with the work. So I set out again.

At this point I could certainly talk about all of the unique individuals that made up the AAM. The zealousness of my first companion and trainer in the field who only seemed determined to be leadership bound. Or some of the struggles I had with my other companions. But really the part they played is rather small in the bigger scope of things, but it did influence how I viewed various Elders depending upon where they were from and how long they were members of the church.

Of a little more serious nature I will share in all soberness an experience I had after about 3 months there. In all I only served in two areas during my time. The northeast side amongst the Hmong people from Laos and Thailand, and the Southeast side including Whittier and Girdwood amongst the affluent and very near the mission office. The mission president kept the ones he was most concerned about nearby - and you couldn't get any closer than the few blocks away that I was.

While still serving up north I had been assigned to that area by the mission president with the hopes I would quickly learn the Hmong language. I guess a year of high school Spanish is qualification enough to learn a language that had barely been set to a roman alphabet. There were few church materials available in that language although some had been developed and used while I was there. My trainer was hell bent on becoming fluent in the language as he believed he was with Spanish and he thought it would be good for me to do the same. Since I was aware that many languages from the orient were tonal inflection based I thought my musical inclination could be a blessing. Needless to say the language was very difficult to learn with little resources to learn it. I did get to a point where I could understand a reasonable chunk of what they were saying but never a point to actually converse or read it.

The more profound part of being in that area came after the companionship rotation, my trainer left, and I was assigned a new companion. He was a nice guy but was himself at a struggling point in his time there. We had some troubles getting along but that isn't the story here. We had been working rather diligently to make some in roads amongst the Hmong community. We would bring them donated bread and other things often in exchange for time to attempt to teach them a discussion. We had a number of people we would make the rounds with and hope to get a baptism commitment. After my charismatic trainer was reassigned and left the area things weren't as easy. He had developed a lot of trust with these people rather quickly. My new companion was very different and didn't seem to be quite so interested in spending so much time with this particular group of people. It was a little bit of a sore point for me since I had been pushed to work so hard with the Hmong.

One evening after a particularly difficult day for the both of us I just needed a little air. He decided to go to bed and I wanted a little more study and personal prayer time (aka needing some space). Because the intensity of the mission experience and the resulting hardship was starting to build for me it seemed like a good time to really beg of the Lord to help me out. I couldn't get the language to teach a neat group of people, I was irritated with my companion, with the mission, and well everything.

The only thing I could think to do is really cry out to God and beg for forgiveness of anything that was keeping me from being successful. So I got on my knees at the couch and really started pouring my heart out. I was never a pleader but there is a first time for everything. I went through the list of things that were really bothering and was begging for help. At that time I thought I had enough faith that the Spirit would give me comfort, and guidance, as well as an increased capacity to teach people I had nothing in common with. As I really began asking of God to give me the tongue to learn this unique language so that I may bring those people to the truthfulness of the gospel I began to feel a presence. It was a strange presence that made me uneasy, a heaviness in the room. At first I thought nothing of it and continued on in my prayers of asking for help. I increased my intensity of pleading to have my mind loosened and receptive to learn the Hmong language and began asking for the spirit to touch the lives and hearts of those we were teaching at the time - that they may know through the Spirit the truth of Joseph Smith's vision and the fullness of truth contained in the Book of Mormon.

As I began asking for these things the dark presence closed in and consumed me. I was very aware of it in the room and I know it was very aware of me. I have never before or since had the sensation of a demonic presence until this moment. I was completely frozen and unable to move or speak. The terror of actually turning around and seeing what felt like the presence of two dark personages wouldn't have let me look. I was quite afraid for my life as I could not yell out for my companion who had just fallen asleep in just the next room not 10 feet away - my tongue was tied. Eventually as the intensity increased my mind jogged loose and my prayers quickly shifted to asking for deliverance from this force. I pleaded with all my strength commanding the darkness to leave by the power of the priesthood that I held... and the darkness got closer and felt like it was about to embrace me - I panicked further. As I began commanding this presence to leave in the name of Jesus Christ things changed. I became more confident and sure asking in the name of Christ and asking for the Spirit to drive away the darkness. After a brief moment the dark, heavy, and evil presence in the room withdrew. I was released from my paralyzing position and collapsed in tears. I had never before thought there were dark or evil forces in the world until that moment.

I was confused that trying to do something by the power of the priesthood provoked what ever it was, not in an adversarial way like enemies per say, but in a menacing and embracing way, as if it thought I was one of them joining its cause or purpose. The thought sent chills. My companion never knew what happed and it took several weeks before I mentioned anything to the mission president. The experience was dismissed with little commentary other than a mention that there are many distracting forces in the world that can consume us. No validation was made to anything, and the pres. probably thought I was hallucinating. It was an experience that drove me to distraction for weeks. Later impressed with a thought to not push the church on the Hmong people as my first companioned wanted I completely stopped wanting to learn the language or to work with them. I was terrified. At first I thought of it as a confirmation that Satan didn't want these people to have the truth of the church and it was all a confirmation of the church. I have since re-evaluated the entire experience with out the filters of being a missionary in the LDS church and have come to a much different conclusion. For the sensitivity of any church members reading this I will not share that conclusion here, but it is one of my many reasons for leaving the church.

Nothing significant ever came of working with the Hmong people with me during my time in that area. I recall seeing an article that mentions a great deal since my time in Alaska. My, how the church has drawn them in all across the country. It is one of promise for them as they embrace a newness of life in "the American way." But it is also one of sadness as they denounce their traditions (all that they have since they have no country of their own) in favor of the church that offers them many charities in return for the opportunity to make them members of the church. I always felt bad how we took advantage of their situation as a poorer people just needing a little help to have a new life in our country. But I suppose it is no different than what the church does in many 3rd world countries - not that it makes it right or honest. The intent was always to baptize.
http://www.juneauempire.com/stories/101606/sta_20061016012.shtml

Not long after I was transfered out of the area to South Anchorage where the mission office was close as was the new Anchorage temple - one of the many small ones built during part of the church's mini temple campaign. The area was fairly expansive going down in to Girdwood where the Alyeska resort is and to Whittier and the longest one way tunnel. This area had gone cold in missionary prospects and the apartment was a dump. It was depressing on its own, but my new companion gave it a good try.

Here I was at a point where I was in an area where the work wasn't going well - lots of wealth and comfort among the people. As the work got harder we found ourselves getting more tired and less interested in trying. I can see now why so many that worked the area slacked off so much. I have no problems admitting now that there were days that were just so impossible to get people to listen that we would give up. It seemed no amount of prayer and begging the Lord was going to soften the hearts of these people to being receptive to our teaching. We would find ourselves with other missionaries taking a break talking about life, or goofing off in so many ways. Sure it may have been bending or breaking a couple rules but it was hardly a transgression. It was nothing more than letting off a little steam before we got to the point of wanting to strangle ourselves or the people spitting in our faces.

Of course the Zone leaders and assistants to the President wanted to see results. The baptism numbers were slipping drastically mission wide. It got the attention of Salt Lake. When we were visited by one of the 12 apostles, M. Russell Ballard (I think it was), he was disappointed that we were not generating what the brethren wanted to see in the mission for conversion rates and admonished us to repent and shape up. We had an area seventy do the same thing less politely at a different point. Naturally the intensity increased. Personal priesthood interviews increased looking for unresolved sin and transgression that could be slowing the work. The number of assistants to the mission president also increased, and the focus to get more baptized became a mathematical goal with, of course promised blessings if we were to succeed. It also encouraged the shortening of the discussions to get a baptism commitment sooner. It all seemed disingenuous. I can remember thinking that these are people we're talking about, not some sort of sales projection for the Coke company. Everyone was more on edge than usual. Suspicions and rumors of slothful and lazy missionaries and their punishments ran rampant. Everyone began spying on everyone else. Things became rather turbulent in the mission.

As things were heating up in the mission field other things were going on at home. One day I received a note from my previous organ teacher. She was no longer willing to hide the secret that my dad and mission president apparently were both were keeping. Prior to my leaving for a mission I had set things in place to study organ with Jim Holloway at PLU. We met and talked about my future at the school and I also met a very talented young man and now a good friend (a truly gifted organist and now former member of the church) for the first time. Jim was a man with a real gift for teaching. I knew it was where I needed to be at some point. While in Alaska I had learned through my teacher's note that Jim had been shot and killed on campus in a strange murder plot. The loss of this brilliant man was still being felt when I ultimately started school and to some degree still is. I walked by the memorial on a daily basis as a student wondering what might have been.
http://www.plu.edu/about/tours/art7.html

What little I had to cling to in the mission field had been yanked from me entirely. I was slipping and fast. There was more than one morning where the razor in my hand looked like a good way out of it all. My president caught word that I was going deeper in to the dark abyss and things were moving swiftly for an interview. Since I was already on medication and in weekly counseling there were only so many options. More aggressive drugs, other treatments. I think the pres. was hoping that I would consent to further drug treatment and even electroshock therapy to get me out of the hole I was in. I wanted so badly to be a good missionary for my mom more than myself, but I couldn't give in to torturing myself any further. I asked to be sent home. They were not going to give up on me quite so easily promising blessings if I would stay and be obedient. My first companion and trainer took it upon himself to work with me a lot. Thinking that if I just did more work it would break me out of my spell. His other trainees after all were some of the most successful in the mission. It must have been a blow to his ego that I was the worst of all of his "children."

I suppose it should be said at this point that I didn't like the guy anymore. He may have been my first companion but he was a different guy as an assistant calling all the shots in the mission on the president's behalf (and it seems he was always the senior companion). The church seems to have a subvert culture that good obedient people are rewarded and climb the ladder of leadership and his goal seemed to be about control of those below him and the power that came with that. I didn't buy in to his promises of blessings if I did what he told me to. I just wasn't going to be manipulated any more - I was done. It certainly increased the distance between us and when we had to work together I didn't want anything to do with him. I should also mention that this rather zealous guy was determined to bring those who were not perfectly obedient to some of the new rules and manipulations tactics to baptize people that he helped create - he was going to bring them to repentance and any necessary discipline. A secret organization and the resulting newsletter and the writers behind it were one of his goals of exposure. As he saw it, it was an apostate situation of disobedient missionaries that had to be corrected...

Ah the Necroratus... Such memories... And it all began while I was there or just slightly before - but I was there while it was happening. Since I am privy to the true identity of its founders they will, as they always have, remain anonymous. Agent: c0r3 and Agent: x3n0_c. Truth began with this group and continues to do so. You may see some of the history at the link below... Unfortunately some of the salient details were since blotted out to protect both the innocent and the guilty. But those who were there remember... only too well. It made us in part who we are now.
http://www.necroratus.com/media/issues/issues.php

The humble beginnings of Necroratus opened the door of truth for me. As I was one of the victims of those who were demanding blind allegiance and obedience I was in an inner sanctum of those not willing to go quietly. But the important part is not about some secret group trying to overthrow anything - although it could have happened had things pushed any further... It was about truth, exposing it, and the lies that were being made by those we were supposed to trust. They were dark and terrible times at the end of my tenure there.

Back to the main story. As everything was coming to a head both with me personally and within the mission I had made a deal with the mission president. I was reluctant but we agreed that I would think and pray before I made my final decision to leave - which I did. I couldn't lie to myself or the people I was supposed to be bringing in to the church so I affirmed that I wanted to leave. As arrangements were being made my dear sweet mission president told me that he was wrong about asking me to give up part of who I am. I didn't think much of it at the time but appreciated the sentiment. Music was a glue that held me together, and still does. With out it I am nothing and can do nothing.

Only weeks after 9/11 I was on a plane returning home. It seemed to me in my mental haze brought on by my experiences and the drugs I was on that the world was spinning apart. It was intense, powerful, and would later motivate me to find out more about what the "true church" was all about. To say that I returned early from my mission honorably was a bit of a technicality. I was essentially let go from further service on a medical release. It was a deal I made with the mission president for the incredible hell I went through so as to avoid further scrutiny when I returned home. It also kept me from causing too much trouble in the mission field as I left. Others just before me and some after would have much greater and painful falls as they left. I hope they have since picked themselves up.

Regardless of all of the details there is an important concept I would have to later work with. How could it possibly be that a church leader could be "inspired by the Spirit" only later to be wrong about it. At the time I couldn't process much of any of the Feb. 2001 - Dec. 2001 that comprised my missionary service. I was in intense shock and was mentally and emotionally shut down. As my mind began to re awaken after starting the next part of my life this started me on the journey to see how deep "the foxhole really goes." I guess in terms of the Matrix I took the wrong colored pill. I began to see where light and truth were and it was not where the church or leaders told me it would be.

It has since taken me years to figure out the rest.

[End of VOL. II]

In the Beginning: Chapter 1

*This is a re-post of what I had placed as a note on my Facebook.  It created such a stir with my very active LDS sister and brother in-law that they requested I take it down because such sacred things should not be "cast before swine".  While I do not consider all things that are personal to be sacred as many active LDS believe I feel this is my story to share as I feel impressed to do so.  Since many of my blogger friends are either ex-mormons, moho's, or somewhere in the middle it seemed good to give my story from the beginning.

This is the first part of my life's journey so far. How the life of being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and the search for truth (in amongst other experiences) ultimately led me away from the church.

This is not a story for the faint of heart. It is not a story that as of yet has an end. It is an ongoing tale of my journey of faith in and out of Mormonism. This is a story of self discovery and honesty. Many good active members of the church may find a story like this hard to believe or possibly even anti-LDS. While it is not my intention to put the church or any of it's teachings or sacred rites on public trial it is the choice of the reader to openly take in these experiences and reach their own conclusions for what ever end. But it is my story of my experiences and my journey - of such cannot be discredited by one who has not walked a similar path.

So let it begin...

I'm not usually much of a blogger but it seems to be good for me to process stuff in written form instead of just talking about it with people.

As I actively seek my own path in the world to truly live honestly to who I am I have found myself in some interesting places. I guess to explain myself there needs to be some sort of background. Those who knew me or thought they knew me in my past might be shocked, disappointed, or otherwise disapproving of anything I might mention. To them I'm sorry that the truth sometimes hurts, but I've spent 29 years too long not being honest with myself.

About me...

I was born and raised (BIC) in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormon) to convert parents. Their stories may be interesting but won't be explored here. I was the first of two temple miracle baby boys, as the story goes. There is 7 years between me and my older sister. My brother came along one and a half years later. Growing up in the church is about like one would expect and many have their stories should you be curious. As a family we never lived in Utah but my parents had earlier in their relationship. Jumping through the hoops of baptism and through the various levels of Aaronic and later the Melchizedek priesthood were as expected.

The first trial of life came for me as a Junior in high school when my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I had a spiritual experience that cautioned me that she would not be on the earth much longer and that my life would change after her passing. I can remember to this day that after receiving that prompting I prayed that if she must go that it would at least be painless for her - and indeed it was. The Lord kept his part of the bargain. After a brief period of remission which was thought to be the answer and affirmation of priesthood blessings for healing, moms cancer returned with a vengeance (which as some described to me was apparently God's will after all). I knew the inevitable was upon all of us. Little did I know how things would change.

In my Senior year of high school 24 days before Christmas mom passed. Non Hodgkin's lymphoma had finally taken it's toll as did all the drugs trying to prevent it. It was devastating. Mom was our spiritual rock - the one who seemingly held the faith for all of us in the church. As my sister was already married and away with her own life and kids I ended up being the pillars to hold things together. It was hard but it had to be. Dad eventually remarried, and as many may have experienced merging two families together, especially where differences in faith are concerned, is not going to be easy. Add to that a brother with his own struggles with mental health and a step sister with bi-polar disorder. They were troubled and turbulent times. Music was my life, my solace, and a saving grace.

After completing my 2 year degree pressure was on from the Bishop of my ward to serve a full time mission. Of course members like to pose the mission question too. Somehow the bishop knew it was moms dying request for her two boys. The coercion and guilt used in those rounds of personal interviews coupled with the intensity of home life made it impossible to refuse. Who wants to be told that if they don't answer the Lords call that their entrance in to heaven and seeing passed family members is in severe jeopardy. It was, perhaps, not the most honest of tactics. But if the prophet says each young man should serve than why should I be an exception. For some reason going off to school to finish my undergrad work didn't enter the picture. I think it was the religious and cultural pressure of members in my small town more than anything that swayed me to going.

So the paperwork was sent, the blessings and temple ordinances took place, and off I went with a call to the Alaska, Anchorage mission via Provo UT, where the Missionary Training Center is located. At the risk of being sacreligious to those who still find the temple ordinances sacred I won't get in to the detail of all of that. Anyone that knows how to use the internet can find everything they are looking for to satisfy their curiosity there. But I do need to comment on how uncomfortable the whole thing was for me. Although I don't have a personal confirmed source there have apparently been some recent changes that make it a little less... personal. I was surprised because I was led to believe the sacred ordinances of the temple were revealed in their fullness to Joseph Smith and could not be altered - how can it be changed in any fashion.

"As temple work progresses, some members wonder if the ordinances can be changed or adjusted. These ordinances have been provided by revelation, and are in the hands of the First Presidency. Thus, the temple is protected from tampering."
- W. Grant Bangerter, executive director of the Temple Department and a member of the First Quorum of Seventy, Deseret News, Church Section, January 16, 1982

"The Gospel can not possibly be changed.... the saving principles must ever be the same. They can never change.... the Gospel must always be the same in all of its parts.... no one can change the Gospel... if they attempt to do so, they only set up a man-made system which is not the Gospel, but is merely a reflection of their own views.... if we substitute 'any other Gospel,' there is no salvation in it.... the Lord and His Gospel remain the same--always."
- The Prophet's Message, Church News, June 5, 1965

So surprised am I at the increased convenience in the 2005 changes that I also dove in to other changes which apparently removed penalizing oaths etc. in 1990's. Yet there is always the catch that the Lord can change anything he wants whenever 'through the prophet' so that it better benefits those who partake. So much for the Gospel of the Lord being the same - the alpha and omega.

Back to the point the entire experience was quite a froth of emotion for me. There were many there from my home ward and my dad to "cheer me on" for lack of better words. But I didn't feel like I should be there - I was uncomfortable for some reason. At the point where you are given the option to withdraw from proceeding I was strongly considering it but yet again fear, and some degree of curiosity compelled me to stay. I have never heard of a "good Mormon" making it to the temple to get cold feet and opt out which happens to come before you find out what it is you are getting in to. In business you would never sign a contract without knowing what you are getting in return or promising to the other party. It does seem a little dubious. There is certainly little disclosure up front.

After toughing it out through the presentation and all of the expected participatory spots the end is in sight... The room of grand appointment which anyone can see in an open house. Usually, for many devout members of the church, what happens at the temple stays at the temple, but what follows is important to realize in my journey. Those who subscribe to all things occurring within the Celestial room being fully sacred never to be disclosed outside temple walls can walk away at this moment of my story.

I chose to sit and collect myself after the session in the Celestial room. The strangeness of it all was too much for me. It was almost a different doctrine than what you hear in church. I don't think there is any way to fully prepare for that experience regardless of how worthy you may be. I needed to sit and sort it out. As other members from my ward came to the room there were lots of smiles and hugs. After some time passed someone mentioned to me how proud mom was of me for making it there and how they could feel her presence and commented how thin the veil is at the temple. I must have been puzzled. But yet the emotions of wanting to feel that same presence more than anything caused copious amounts of tears not out of joy or confirmation, but concern. I couldn't picture her in my head any clearly than any time before, nor did I feel anything that could have led me to believe she was there - no familiar smells or memories that I couldn't generate outside of the temple. I can remember being in a mental panic wondering if I wasn't worthy enough. Did I not fast and pray enough to have those same experiences of feeling a parted loved one? Was there some unresolved sin getting in the way? You start going through the Mormon mental checklist of worthiness. But I couldn't resolve how others felt something that I should have been entitled to and couldn't. It was a secret and crushing blow to me that drove me further to returning to the temple while on my mission to try and experience what they felt.


But there was little time to sort out the temple experience. It was time to be off to Utah. Strange how it seems the church believes it self to be truer the closer you get to Salt Lake. The religious zeal at the MTC is incredibly infectious. If they wanted they could probably get you to believe pigs will fly with enough faith - certainly mountains will move. Fortunately for me I went in with the flu and a significant fever, so my transition in to the situation was far more gradual than others. I was in bed the first week there. Yes I had a Utah born and bred MTC companion. Sure, he was a bit of a jerk, but ended up finding himself out in the field so I can't hold too much of a grudge. After the MTC experience I thought, foolishly, I was ready for anything even though I was not the sort to desire converting the world. But even then I still secretly harbored doubts.

We were to fly in to Seattle where I was to briefly meet up with my dad but ended up spending a day in Portland due to the Nisqually earthquake. I'm not usually one to read too much in to things like that but it did seem a bad omen of what was to come in Alaska.

[End of Vol. 1]