Monday, April 19, 2010
A little confused on a monday morning
After not seeing each other for about two months or talking in a few weeks after things went south in what I hoped would be a potential relationship I was out again yesterday. Well I'm not sure I would call it a date. We used the term "hanging out."
But how it all came about just leaves me in a mental fog, or perhaps that is just a side effect of seeing a 3D movie yesterday. Yeah, don't need to see one of those again, especially with the cost.
So I was at a party hosted by one of my gay college friends on rather short notice Friday. I thought well what the heck, it beats moping around the house trying to find love online through my connexion profile. So I went. It was a little later than I like to start things as far as time goes but I hadn't see this friend and his boyfriend in a while so I was due to at least drop in. It was a new crowd of people for me. Every last one of them people I didn't previously know - at least for the first few hours of the party. Now I should mention it was a little bit of a sexy party, the theme being aphrodisiacs, and the requisite adult beverages were there to make it such - not that I ever partake in such drinks. And not surprisingly there were, ahem, sexy things going on. We'll just say sexual things. No surprise when you get a room full of buzzed horny gay guys in one room together everything from revealing your manhood to full on, well never mind, would be taking place. Again I found myself missing out on the fun - but doing those things is no longer a motivator for me anymore. Perhaps if I were still 23 I would have some how found myself being wild and crazy with them too, but I find myself being more and more removed from the frivolity of youth. I guess this is what happens when you get old.
So it was very interesting observing. The evening progressed and additional participants trickled in, some left. It was quite a surprise when "Junior" of my MoHo connections was to join the fun with two additional friends (also apparently of Moho) persuasion with him. It was nice not to be the only sober guy at the party. And with all of the "gettin it on" that was going on it gave me people to hang out with. One of the guys was really quite cute - young, but cute. But it doesn't end there. So Junior decided to call a guy, incidentally the same guy I was seeing until I thought it ended a few weeks ago.
So Junior goes off in to a back room to talk with him and tell him how much fun with other crazy gay men he is missing. The "significant other" was spending time in Las Vegas, which I was aware of through facebook. But lo and behold, Junior comes back after a few minutes and hands his phone over to me saying "he would like to talk to you." I'm not sure what the reaction on my face may have been at the time, probably instant panic. After all, things ended rather abruptly and we hadn't seen each other for a long time or spoke for a while. I just didn't know what I would say and I was caught off guard.
So I go back to the same back room and we chatted for a little bit. I won't dive in to details other than he wanted to apologize and share with me that he is working on some things in his personal life and wanted to see me again and hang out and asked if I had any plans Sunday. After I was done with all my meetings and things I didn't have any plans so I said sure.
So we made a date as it were. I had no preconceived ideas or anything. I intentionally would not let myself read anything in to it other than I was hanging out with someone I know. We decided to see a movie, Clash of the Titans 3D, and then went to a little dinner afterward. It was genuinely a pleasant time. I didn't feel like I had to impress him or worry about what was or wasn't going to happen or other factors. I didn't feel awkward in the slightest. We could just enjoy each other's company doing something fun together. Honestly it was probably the most stress free 4.5 hours I had in a very long time, even though we had to change restaurants since the one we went to was sold out of food.
He had some things to do at home and I had to do some prep work for a class I'm teaching tonight so we parted company after 8PM. A good thing on a work night. But I spent the entire drive home dissecting the weekends events. While I'm not foolish or naive enough to presume this means things between us will resume I did realize something. And in the non-existent privacy of this blog I'll admit I still have feelings for the guy. Every time I see him he is cuter then the last I saw him. Mind you all those feelings are very carefully boxed up in my emotional storage closet (what a turn of a phrase eh?). But there they are, right where I left them - perhaps with a little more dust on them since the last time they were used. Rummage through them I did and even recalled some good times, some beautiful moments, and some not so good times. However I very carefully wrapped them back up, put them in their very safe and sturdy container, and placed them gently and respectfully back on that shelf. I had to tell myself that now is not the time to pull these back out - but maybe with some of the hopeful signs he gave that perhaps they may be of some use. Otherwise it will be out with the other stuff for spring cleaning. But for now, they sit waiting for that right time.
But I'm confused. I just don't know what to make of it, and I'm not willing to risk what I did last time. I guess I watch and hope while keeping my pace of one day at a time.