Friday, March 26, 2010

The pen is stinkier than the gym sock

Well my one year anniversary post caught on fire in a most unexpected way.  Gosh, I guess some people actually do read the crap I put up.  What a shocker to learn that!  It turned out to be a rather controversial one and obviously some were a little defensive or offended.  That wasn't the point of it but perhaps it got people thinking about some of the choices they made and should continue to make on a regular basis - to stimulate thought rather than apathy.  I guess in that regard it worked.  It's interesting how everyone reaches their conclusions.  I suppose we all do the best we can with the situation given to us at the time.  While I don't have a crystal ball nor all the details for each situation something tells me that really the point of it isn't whether or not you can stay together with someone you may be married to but aren't attracted to or even in love with - even if you should care for your spouse.  The question that I think each couple has to answer is "what can we learn from this situation."  The conundrum of a MOM really is a test of the highest Christian virtues of each involved.  Can you still adhere to the greatest of commandments in a mess like that - unconditional love.

I have to admit that in the situation of some that I know a bit more personally I'm a little jealous at how they pull it off.  Envious of the situation - not at all but certainly humbled.  It truly is amazing and must some how have the hand of the Lord in it.  I see no other way such an adverse circumstance can work so well.  Easy, I'm sure not.  The best option-only they can decide that.  But my goodness to have such commitment in those vows it is inspirational, and whether they know it or not I'm learning a great deal from them-and I hope to be able to be more successful in a relationship of true love for me.  Vows ended up getting me in to a bit of trouble.

I can remember as things were ending in my fake world of heterosexuality how nasty things got.  It was the first time I found myself being assaulted verbally and assaulting right back.  But what made it even worse was the fact the words were true.  I lied about who I was when I got married and she called me on it big time.  I remember during the ceremony having the flickering thought of "why the hell am I doing this, this isn't me."  But I quickly squelched the dissension in my head.  My vows were a sham, and deep down I knew it.  But what was I to do?  What are any of us to do?  If someone were to have stopped it before we said "I do" would it have changed anything?  Would I have even come out or would I have been kicking the can further down the road?  Was this awful situation the thing that could crack my fortress of a closet?  I guess only God knows.

If anything, I hope for all of my friends out there that they won't make the same stupid mistakes I did.   Life is to short and friendships are too precious to be forced to endure such a disaster. Sure, they will have their fair share of oops, but I hope never to the degree I had to experience in order to get my wake up call.   Friends - make every second count where ever you are lead in your journey.  Do so in such a way that none of it is ever taken for granted or wasted.

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