A little confused on a monday morning

Ok, so I'm a little confused today, and needed an excuse to post a shameless picture of a sexy guy in his boxers.  Sign me up (thanks Wyatt for posting this on yours)!

After not seeing each other for about two months or talking in a few weeks after things went south in what I hoped would be a potential relationship I was out again yesterday.  Well I'm not sure I would call it a date.  We used the term "hanging out."

But how it all came about just leaves me in a mental fog, or perhaps that is just a side effect of seeing a 3D movie yesterday.  Yeah, don't need to see one of those again, especially with the cost.

So I was at a party hosted by one of my gay college friends on rather short notice Friday. I thought well what the heck, it beats moping around the house trying to find love online through my connexion profile.  So I went.  It was a little later than I like to start things as far as time goes but I hadn't see this friend and his boyfriend in a while so I was due to at least drop in.  It was a new crowd of people for me.  Every last one of them people I didn't previously know - at least for the first few hours of the party.  Now I should mention it was a little bit of a sexy party, the theme being aphrodisiacs, and the requisite adult beverages were there to make it such - not that I ever partake in such drinks. And not surprisingly there were, ahem, sexy things going on.  We'll just say sexual things.  No surprise when you get a room full of buzzed horny gay guys in one room together everything from revealing your manhood to full on, well never mind, would be taking place.  Again I found myself missing out on the fun - but doing those things is no longer a motivator for me anymore.  Perhaps if I were still 23 I would have some how found myself being wild and crazy with them too, but I find myself being more and more removed from the frivolity of youth.  I guess this is what happens when you get old.

So it was very interesting observing.  The evening progressed and additional participants trickled in, some left.  It was quite a surprise when "Junior" of my MoHo connections was to join the fun with two additional friends (also apparently of Moho) persuasion with him.  It was nice not to be the only sober guy at the party.  And with all of the "gettin it on" that was going on it gave me people to hang out with.  One of the guys was really quite cute - young, but cute.  But it doesn't end there.  So Junior decided to call a guy, incidentally the same guy I was seeing until I thought it ended a few weeks ago.

So Junior goes off in to a back room to talk with him and tell him how much fun with other crazy gay men he is missing.  The "significant other" was spending time in Las Vegas, which I was aware of through facebook.  But lo and behold, Junior comes back after a few minutes and hands his phone over to me saying "he would like to talk to you."  I'm not sure what the reaction on my face may have been at the time, probably instant panic.  After all, things ended rather abruptly and we hadn't seen each other for a long time or spoke for a while.  I just didn't know what I would say and I was caught off guard.

So I go back to the same back room and we chatted for a little bit.  I won't dive in to details other than he wanted to apologize and share with me that he is working on some things in his personal life and wanted to see me again and hang out and asked if I had any plans Sunday.  After I was done with all my meetings and things I didn't have any plans so I said sure.

So we made a date as it were.  I had no preconceived ideas or anything.  I intentionally would not let myself read anything in to it other than I was hanging out with someone I know.  We decided to see a movie, Clash of the Titans 3D, and then went to a little dinner afterward.  It was genuinely a pleasant time.  I didn't feel like I had to impress him or worry about what was or wasn't going to happen or other factors.  I didn't feel awkward in the slightest.  We could just enjoy each other's company doing something fun together.  Honestly it was probably the most stress free 4.5 hours I had in a very long time, even though we had to change restaurants since the one we went to was sold out of food.

He had some things to do at home and I had to do some prep work for a class I'm teaching tonight so we parted company after 8PM.  A good thing on a work night.  But I spent the entire drive home dissecting the weekends events.  While I'm not foolish or naive enough to presume this means things between us will resume I did realize something.  And in the non-existent privacy of this blog I'll admit I still have feelings for the guy.  Every time I see him he is cuter then the last I saw him.  Mind you all those feelings are very carefully boxed up in my emotional storage closet (what a turn of a phrase eh?).  But there they are, right where I left them - perhaps with a little more dust on them since the last time they were used.  Rummage through them I did and even recalled some good times, some beautiful moments, and some not so good times.  However I very carefully wrapped them back up, put them in their very safe and sturdy container, and placed them gently and respectfully back on that shelf.  I had to tell myself that now is not the time to pull these back out - but maybe with some of the hopeful signs he gave that perhaps they may be of some use.  Otherwise it will be out with the other stuff for spring cleaning.  But for now, they sit waiting for that right time.

But I'm confused. I just don't know what to make of it, and I'm not willing to risk what I did last time.  I guess I watch and hope while keeping my pace of one day at a time.

Reflection

photo by froodmat 

This is my first year being alone over the Christmas holiday.  No one around but me, myself, and I... well and the two cats too.  The roommate (aka "ex") was kind enough to leave a few simple gifts for me to open while she went down to her mom's in Oregon.  I think it was a little foolish for her to travel alone still with the flu and a fever. but why should she listen to me.

At any rate I turned down the offer to drive 3.5 hours to dad's in Wenatchee.  After playing two x-mas eve services and then x-mas day I knew I would be exhausted.  I would have had to come home the next day and it just didn't seem worth it.  I also couldn't screw on a smile and pretend all was well with the world.  So after my last service I came home grabbed a snack and got comfortable on the couch with Mr. Chubbs - my cuddly orange tabby.  We watched 4 movies together - Latter Days, Sister Act 1 & 2, and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.  As is usual with the holiday it was difficult and emotional.

I was having a "gay emotional" day so I had to watch one of my gay movies and get it out.  Of course I bawled through the last half of it, but it was the release I needed.  I opened the gifts and had myself a little left over ham and instant Mormon mashed taters.  I had myself a not so merry little Christmas and that was that.

The sermon in church yesterday was "Christmas: Merry or Messy?"  We always cling to the overly romanticized version of the holiday in attempts to pretend our lives are as put together as we wish they would be.  We forget that Mary was traveling, for all intents and purposes, barefoote and pregnant.  She did not get swept away to the luxurious or clean maternity ward.  There was nowhere for them to stay.  They were in a barn or cave or some other such place where the live stock were kept.  Those not from the city know there are yucky things that accompany animals, and the smells.  Lets not forget the shepherds who were out working and tending their sheep - they certainly didn't smell like the latest Calvin Klein scent with their nicest cardigan on to meet the baby Jesus.  Christ was placed in a manager - a mere feeding trough as their was no crib or bed.  Christmas, folks, is by nature messy.  So this was my first year acknowledging the messiness, the emotions, the loss, the suffering, the supreme loneliness.  I hope and pray it will be the last so that all subsequent years to follow will be more merry and less messy.

I would really like the good things which may be on the horizon to continue.  What's this you may say?  This past weekend I found myself on another date.  I have been on Connexion at the reccomendation of many fellow Moho's for a little while now.  This is the first fruit of the venture and I hope what has started can continue to bloom.  I took another fellow Moho out where we "did coffee" (actually Italian sodas) chatted for a while then I took him to a concert featuring a men's chorus another gay friend just started.  Since most of the guys out there in "gaydom" don't get what it was like to be where we Moho's have been that is where I have set my sights for future relationships.

I think the date went very well.  Not surprisingly there is much in common but yet a lot of unique differences that make things interesting.  I did figure out discussing languages and accents, especially Japanese, is not something I should be commenting on.  Especially when my date ended up living there and speaking it.  You live and you learn.  Hopefully he doesn't hold that one little moment against me.  He got to met some of my crazy music nerd friends and even my high school choir teacher whom I hadn't seen in some 10 years.  But he held his own, even though it was probably a bit much to ask of a date on a first date.  But I am very close to my friends who are my family as those who have read my previous entries can attest.

After the meet and greet it was quite late and both of us needed to get home to go to work in the morning.  But we must have sat in my car for an extra 20 minutes chatting.  We did our goodnight hugs and that was that and I was home by midnight.

It is the days that follow that drive me nuts - yearning to be with him yet again.  Reflecting on the evening I can't get this wonderful guy out of my head.  I can't get my work done because I'm thinking about what I just experienced.  He's incredibly intelligent, amazingly articulate, educated but sadly not with a job in his area of expertise.  He is certainly well read and aware of the world around him, and appreciates the arts and music.  I actually feel a little stupid being with such a smart guy - but it doesn't bother me.  For once I like not having the answers to everything in a conversation.  Oh and did I mention he's outrageously handsome?  Having pictures online and facebook I knew what he looked like and I'm definitely attracted, but the cute well dressed guy that jumped in my car was immeasurably more attractive than any picture or my dreams could have suggested.  I was for a moment a bit speechless - yes he took my breath a way.  It was perhaps bold of him to start the first 10 minutes of the date with some politics, but heck, I'm not shy about it - go for it!

I learned a bit about him.  I think he learned a bit about me.  We've exchanged some texts in the last few days.  And I'm hopefull!!!!  I really want to see where things go with this guy because I think way too much about him.  This is the first guy I haven't been able to get out of my head - and it is new and exciting and different for me.  I hope and I pray...  Should by some happen chance he read this I'll save my beet-red embarrassment for our next date.

And to think this is what I've been missing out on for almost 30 years?!  Oh Lord lead me to the relationship I should have been in from the beginning so that I don't waste another 30 years.  Let me learn from past mistakes.