Sliding to a new season

As I posted on my main blog a door has closed.  I had hope for my relationship with Jerremy even though it was a fools hope.  I had convinced myself pretty well that once he was over his depressive funk and feeling better about life that somehow we could hit the reset button and try again with him actually trying this time.  I was pretty sure it would work.  But I guess that was not to be.

In the last couple of weeks he has gone in to a relationship with someone from his Toronto days.  Its apparently rather serious as this is the first one causing him to change his facebook status.  No small move if you ask me.  He couldn't be bothered to tell anyone he was seeing me so this must be big.  They also intend to live together in some other state they are still negotiating.  In the mean time, because he can't stand another Seattle winter, Jerremy will be moving to Boise in November.

While as a friend I must be supportive, I felt the rest of my heart associated with that relationship desire shatter to dust.  As I usually do I tossed in one of my depressive gay movies and sobbed in to my pillow.  How sad it is when one has a better emotional relationship with their pillow than a human being.

I'm not sure what will happen with Jerremy.  His vote was to live in Salt lake City, his significant other still deciding.  I hope its just not another situation where he is taking advantage of another person while running away from resolving past conflicts.  Time, as always, will be the great equalizer of all things and it will be seen where it goes.

It's just a sad day that this particular door is now closed and nothing else appears to be opening.  (Sigh) What do I do and how much longer can I do this?  I feel like I'm starting to get too old to handle the feelings and exhaustion of rejection.  With not even a single dating prospect anymore I'm not sure if I want to do this anymore.  I just want to give up.  I suppose for now I stick to what I'm good at... music and desiring not to be single.

A little confused on a monday morning

Ok, so I'm a little confused today, and needed an excuse to post a shameless picture of a sexy guy in his boxers.  Sign me up (thanks Wyatt for posting this on yours)!

After not seeing each other for about two months or talking in a few weeks after things went south in what I hoped would be a potential relationship I was out again yesterday.  Well I'm not sure I would call it a date.  We used the term "hanging out."

But how it all came about just leaves me in a mental fog, or perhaps that is just a side effect of seeing a 3D movie yesterday.  Yeah, don't need to see one of those again, especially with the cost.

So I was at a party hosted by one of my gay college friends on rather short notice Friday. I thought well what the heck, it beats moping around the house trying to find love online through my connexion profile.  So I went.  It was a little later than I like to start things as far as time goes but I hadn't see this friend and his boyfriend in a while so I was due to at least drop in.  It was a new crowd of people for me.  Every last one of them people I didn't previously know - at least for the first few hours of the party.  Now I should mention it was a little bit of a sexy party, the theme being aphrodisiacs, and the requisite adult beverages were there to make it such - not that I ever partake in such drinks. And not surprisingly there were, ahem, sexy things going on.  We'll just say sexual things.  No surprise when you get a room full of buzzed horny gay guys in one room together everything from revealing your manhood to full on, well never mind, would be taking place.  Again I found myself missing out on the fun - but doing those things is no longer a motivator for me anymore.  Perhaps if I were still 23 I would have some how found myself being wild and crazy with them too, but I find myself being more and more removed from the frivolity of youth.  I guess this is what happens when you get old.

So it was very interesting observing.  The evening progressed and additional participants trickled in, some left.  It was quite a surprise when "Junior" of my MoHo connections was to join the fun with two additional friends (also apparently of Moho) persuasion with him.  It was nice not to be the only sober guy at the party.  And with all of the "gettin it on" that was going on it gave me people to hang out with.  One of the guys was really quite cute - young, but cute.  But it doesn't end there.  So Junior decided to call a guy, incidentally the same guy I was seeing until I thought it ended a few weeks ago.

So Junior goes off in to a back room to talk with him and tell him how much fun with other crazy gay men he is missing.  The "significant other" was spending time in Las Vegas, which I was aware of through facebook.  But lo and behold, Junior comes back after a few minutes and hands his phone over to me saying "he would like to talk to you."  I'm not sure what the reaction on my face may have been at the time, probably instant panic.  After all, things ended rather abruptly and we hadn't seen each other for a long time or spoke for a while.  I just didn't know what I would say and I was caught off guard.

So I go back to the same back room and we chatted for a little bit.  I won't dive in to details other than he wanted to apologize and share with me that he is working on some things in his personal life and wanted to see me again and hang out and asked if I had any plans Sunday.  After I was done with all my meetings and things I didn't have any plans so I said sure.

So we made a date as it were.  I had no preconceived ideas or anything.  I intentionally would not let myself read anything in to it other than I was hanging out with someone I know.  We decided to see a movie, Clash of the Titans 3D, and then went to a little dinner afterward.  It was genuinely a pleasant time.  I didn't feel like I had to impress him or worry about what was or wasn't going to happen or other factors.  I didn't feel awkward in the slightest.  We could just enjoy each other's company doing something fun together.  Honestly it was probably the most stress free 4.5 hours I had in a very long time, even though we had to change restaurants since the one we went to was sold out of food.

He had some things to do at home and I had to do some prep work for a class I'm teaching tonight so we parted company after 8PM.  A good thing on a work night.  But I spent the entire drive home dissecting the weekends events.  While I'm not foolish or naive enough to presume this means things between us will resume I did realize something.  And in the non-existent privacy of this blog I'll admit I still have feelings for the guy.  Every time I see him he is cuter then the last I saw him.  Mind you all those feelings are very carefully boxed up in my emotional storage closet (what a turn of a phrase eh?).  But there they are, right where I left them - perhaps with a little more dust on them since the last time they were used.  Rummage through them I did and even recalled some good times, some beautiful moments, and some not so good times.  However I very carefully wrapped them back up, put them in their very safe and sturdy container, and placed them gently and respectfully back on that shelf.  I had to tell myself that now is not the time to pull these back out - but maybe with some of the hopeful signs he gave that perhaps they may be of some use.  Otherwise it will be out with the other stuff for spring cleaning.  But for now, they sit waiting for that right time.

But I'm confused. I just don't know what to make of it, and I'm not willing to risk what I did last time.  I guess I watch and hope while keeping my pace of one day at a time.

The pen is stinkier than the gym sock

Well my one year anniversary post caught on fire in a most unexpected way.  Gosh, I guess some people actually do read the crap I put up.  What a shocker to learn that!  It turned out to be a rather controversial one and obviously some were a little defensive or offended.  That wasn't the point of it but perhaps it got people thinking about some of the choices they made and should continue to make on a regular basis - to stimulate thought rather than apathy.  I guess in that regard it worked.  It's interesting how everyone reaches their conclusions.  I suppose we all do the best we can with the situation given to us at the time.  While I don't have a crystal ball nor all the details for each situation something tells me that really the point of it isn't whether or not you can stay together with someone you may be married to but aren't attracted to or even in love with - even if you should care for your spouse.  The question that I think each couple has to answer is "what can we learn from this situation."  The conundrum of a MOM really is a test of the highest Christian virtues of each involved.  Can you still adhere to the greatest of commandments in a mess like that - unconditional love.

I have to admit that in the situation of some that I know a bit more personally I'm a little jealous at how they pull it off.  Envious of the situation - not at all but certainly humbled.  It truly is amazing and must some how have the hand of the Lord in it.  I see no other way such an adverse circumstance can work so well.  Easy, I'm sure not.  The best option-only they can decide that.  But my goodness to have such commitment in those vows it is inspirational, and whether they know it or not I'm learning a great deal from them-and I hope to be able to be more successful in a relationship of true love for me.  Vows ended up getting me in to a bit of trouble.

I can remember as things were ending in my fake world of heterosexuality how nasty things got.  It was the first time I found myself being assaulted verbally and assaulting right back.  But what made it even worse was the fact the words were true.  I lied about who I was when I got married and she called me on it big time.  I remember during the ceremony having the flickering thought of "why the hell am I doing this, this isn't me."  But I quickly squelched the dissension in my head.  My vows were a sham, and deep down I knew it.  But what was I to do?  What are any of us to do?  If someone were to have stopped it before we said "I do" would it have changed anything?  Would I have even come out or would I have been kicking the can further down the road?  Was this awful situation the thing that could crack my fortress of a closet?  I guess only God knows.

If anything, I hope for all of my friends out there that they won't make the same stupid mistakes I did.   Life is to short and friendships are too precious to be forced to endure such a disaster. Sure, they will have their fair share of oops, but I hope never to the degree I had to experience in order to get my wake up call.   Friends - make every second count where ever you are lead in your journey.  Do so in such a way that none of it is ever taken for granted or wasted.

Blessing and Promise Unfulfilled

I decided at long last to share the patriarchal blessing.  Those still blissfully entrenched in Mormondom may disagree with such a thing equaling the choice to do so about like standing on the street corner in your temple garments.  But since none of the promised blessings ever came to pass I have no problems what so ever giving an additional glimpse in to the Mormon psyche.  Since, according to some-both in and out of the church, I'm already going to hell I may as well take the scenic route.  Of particular mention to the MoHo world may be the section talking about marriage.  Note: a few things have been adjusted or omitted for brevity and security, but otherwise this is a duplication.

12/26/99
Brother Sean, in accordance for your wish for a Patriarchal Blessing and being recommended by your bishop, I lay my hands upon your head and with the authority of the Holy Melchizedek Priesthood, I pronounce and seal unto you a Patriarchal Blessing.  I have this authority from Elder David B. Haight, of the Quorum of the Twelve.  I pronounce the blessing upon you.

You are a son of Ephraim.  Through this line will come your blessing, your responsibilities and duties.  You are of a choice line for Ephraim received the birthright blessing.  For this purpose, those of Ephraim are gathered into the church first.

Brother Haley, you have many great talents.  You have been industriously developing them even further.  You have the duty now to serve in the church as a musician, an organist, and a pianist.  You have the duty to do many good things in the church.  You have the Priesthood of God upon you.  You have many things for your good.  Those of Ephraim are to teach the Lost Tribes as they are called back in.  As the Savior returns to the earth again, the first thing He will do is to call together the Ten Tribes of Israel.  Then, He will usher in the Millennium.  Then he will reign upon the earth throughout the Millennium.  Then He will see that all the temple ordinances are completed for each person who has lived upon the earth and not had this blessing during their lifetime.  These are going to be great and trying times.  They are great for us and they are trying, for they will last a thousand years.  Satan will be put out of our lives. We will put him out ourselves for we will become a righteous people and will not respond to any of his wiles and he will be tied down by lack of support for a thousand years.  In this time, you will be called to serve in a temple of the Lord. You will be called to help to see to the ordinance work for those who have passed on.  You will be a Savior on Mount Zion for family members of your family and others of your wife's family.  If you have none of theirs you can identify, you can go further out and further out on your lines. You can even do some for dear friends.

Brother Haley, these are great choices which you have. You were given the gift of the Holy Ghost.  He will be a comforter for you.  He will help you to make good decisions.  He will help you to be kept from harm and danger.  He will give you power of discernment.  You can recognize Satan and his satanic advances.  You have the power within you now to put him out of your life.  Brother Sean, you have done well in your life already, and you will be sent forth on a mission.  On this mission, you will be able to use your musical talents as well as your knowledge of the true gospel.  You will be able to speak out to the people.  They will recognize that you have a strong testimony.  Even if they don't believe it, they will realize that you testify in a way that they know that you believe what you say, that you are an emissary of God.

Brother Sean, President David O. McKay said every member a missionary.  Even before you go out, you are a missionary by your very action and deeds.  For your good works here, you are recognized as a man of God.  You hold the Priesthood.  You may lay your hands upon some and heal them.  You may bring joy and happiness into homes where they have no hope.  You may bring peace and contentment to many people by your gentle ways and by your dedication to duty.  You have the gifts of many things besides your great gift of music.  You have the gift of friendship, the gift of helping, the gift of being always available, the gift of laying your hands upon the heads of persons and giving them blessings, that you might find joy and happiness as they have the faith to be healed that together you will be able to do many great and wondrous things.

In due time you will meet a girl who is just right for you, who is a member of the church.  You can take her into a temple of the Lord and there be sealed together for time and eternity.  With this blessing, come the blessings of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and for their posterity.

Brother Sean, these are great times.  There is a great separation between the wicked and the righteous, for the righteous are growing more righteous and the wicked are growing more wicked.  Don't even think about getting close to the line.  Always be found doing the Lord's work, dedicating your life unto Him, doing all thing that you know to be right and true.  You and your wife together will have children and be able to teach them correct principles.  You will be able to inspire your wife, and be a patriarch in your home.  You will be able to recognize when things are not proper there, and that you might kneel together in prayer and bring together the family in a more close unit to Heavenly Father's plan.

Brother Haley, these are good times for you for you have a good life ahead of you.  You have the time to do many great things.  You may help your wife to make your home a place of refuge for the children as they go forth and, as you go forth, that you may come home to a clean place, clean from the sins of the world, clean thoughts there, and clean good actions, a good teaching place.  A good place for children to leave their troubles of the world behind them as they return home.  You can send them forth with the good armor of God as they go forth from your home to establish their own homes.  You are sealed to a life of goodness you are foreordained to the very callings that you have now, and for future callings.

I seal these blessings upon you now through your faithfulness, and I do this as a Patriarch in the **** Stake, and in the name of the Lord, Jesus Christ.  Amen.

[Signed by the Stake Patriarch]