Reflection

photo by froodmat 

This is my first year being alone over the Christmas holiday.  No one around but me, myself, and I... well and the two cats too.  The roommate (aka "ex") was kind enough to leave a few simple gifts for me to open while she went down to her mom's in Oregon.  I think it was a little foolish for her to travel alone still with the flu and a fever. but why should she listen to me.

At any rate I turned down the offer to drive 3.5 hours to dad's in Wenatchee.  After playing two x-mas eve services and then x-mas day I knew I would be exhausted.  I would have had to come home the next day and it just didn't seem worth it.  I also couldn't screw on a smile and pretend all was well with the world.  So after my last service I came home grabbed a snack and got comfortable on the couch with Mr. Chubbs - my cuddly orange tabby.  We watched 4 movies together - Latter Days, Sister Act 1 & 2, and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.  As is usual with the holiday it was difficult and emotional.

I was having a "gay emotional" day so I had to watch one of my gay movies and get it out.  Of course I bawled through the last half of it, but it was the release I needed.  I opened the gifts and had myself a little left over ham and instant Mormon mashed taters.  I had myself a not so merry little Christmas and that was that.

The sermon in church yesterday was "Christmas: Merry or Messy?"  We always cling to the overly romanticized version of the holiday in attempts to pretend our lives are as put together as we wish they would be.  We forget that Mary was traveling, for all intents and purposes, barefoote and pregnant.  She did not get swept away to the luxurious or clean maternity ward.  There was nowhere for them to stay.  They were in a barn or cave or some other such place where the live stock were kept.  Those not from the city know there are yucky things that accompany animals, and the smells.  Lets not forget the shepherds who were out working and tending their sheep - they certainly didn't smell like the latest Calvin Klein scent with their nicest cardigan on to meet the baby Jesus.  Christ was placed in a manager - a mere feeding trough as their was no crib or bed.  Christmas, folks, is by nature messy.  So this was my first year acknowledging the messiness, the emotions, the loss, the suffering, the supreme loneliness.  I hope and pray it will be the last so that all subsequent years to follow will be more merry and less messy.

I would really like the good things which may be on the horizon to continue.  What's this you may say?  This past weekend I found myself on another date.  I have been on Connexion at the reccomendation of many fellow Moho's for a little while now.  This is the first fruit of the venture and I hope what has started can continue to bloom.  I took another fellow Moho out where we "did coffee" (actually Italian sodas) chatted for a while then I took him to a concert featuring a men's chorus another gay friend just started.  Since most of the guys out there in "gaydom" don't get what it was like to be where we Moho's have been that is where I have set my sights for future relationships.

I think the date went very well.  Not surprisingly there is much in common but yet a lot of unique differences that make things interesting.  I did figure out discussing languages and accents, especially Japanese, is not something I should be commenting on.  Especially when my date ended up living there and speaking it.  You live and you learn.  Hopefully he doesn't hold that one little moment against me.  He got to met some of my crazy music nerd friends and even my high school choir teacher whom I hadn't seen in some 10 years.  But he held his own, even though it was probably a bit much to ask of a date on a first date.  But I am very close to my friends who are my family as those who have read my previous entries can attest.

After the meet and greet it was quite late and both of us needed to get home to go to work in the morning.  But we must have sat in my car for an extra 20 minutes chatting.  We did our goodnight hugs and that was that and I was home by midnight.

It is the days that follow that drive me nuts - yearning to be with him yet again.  Reflecting on the evening I can't get this wonderful guy out of my head.  I can't get my work done because I'm thinking about what I just experienced.  He's incredibly intelligent, amazingly articulate, educated but sadly not with a job in his area of expertise.  He is certainly well read and aware of the world around him, and appreciates the arts and music.  I actually feel a little stupid being with such a smart guy - but it doesn't bother me.  For once I like not having the answers to everything in a conversation.  Oh and did I mention he's outrageously handsome?  Having pictures online and facebook I knew what he looked like and I'm definitely attracted, but the cute well dressed guy that jumped in my car was immeasurably more attractive than any picture or my dreams could have suggested.  I was for a moment a bit speechless - yes he took my breath a way.  It was perhaps bold of him to start the first 10 minutes of the date with some politics, but heck, I'm not shy about it - go for it!

I learned a bit about him.  I think he learned a bit about me.  We've exchanged some texts in the last few days.  And I'm hopefull!!!!  I really want to see where things go with this guy because I think way too much about him.  This is the first guy I haven't been able to get out of my head - and it is new and exciting and different for me.  I hope and I pray...  Should by some happen chance he read this I'll save my beet-red embarrassment for our next date.

And to think this is what I've been missing out on for almost 30 years?!  Oh Lord lead me to the relationship I should have been in from the beginning so that I don't waste another 30 years.  Let me learn from past mistakes.