Saturday, December 24, 2011

Another painful year comes to a close and the chasm in my heart and soul widens that much further.  I really don't know what keeps me going any more.  Its not my work, and its surely not my personal life.  The outlook of being employed after the new year is grim with projects falling thru due to lack of funding.  The company is in the hole pretty deep after the last project which we lost our shirts on, where I have yet to get caught up again in back pay.  Every attempt I make to find a boyfriend, partner or future husband only results in greater heartache and frustration for guys to get their shit together.  I seem to be the sort that everyone wants to use rather than respected and appreciated.  Living a lonely loveless life is poison, each season that passes seems to only strengthen my fear that all has turned to vain ambition.  Will things only get better after my heart stops and the neurons in my brain no longer fire?  Is that's all that's left for me in this world?


  1. Sean, I'm truly sorry that things have not been great for you this year. I don't know what to say except that you really aren't alone. I care about you and so do others. I wish I were closer so I could give you a hug. Keep trying and giving of yourself. Love, Brad

  2. I apologize in advance if I am totally mistaken.

    I don't know your story at all but I'm wondering if you are making one of the common mistakes I have seen other gay men make right after coming out.

    That is of going straight from the closet to wanting to be in a relationship with no transition in between.

    I have known lots of gay men that have wanted to meet the love of their lives right after coming out and before they have even made their first friends as openly gay men.

    They go from having hidden their true selves from everyone to expecting Prince Charming to come into their lives without first learning how to interact openly and honestly with others.

    In other words, they haven't taken any time to discover who they are and how to honestly relate to others so they haven't done any of the homework necessary before a person can start a serious relationship.

    Then to make matters worse, the people they meet are often also newly out in a rush to jump into a relationship before they are ready.

    Here is how you know if you fit this category.

    Since you have come out have you formed any close male friendships with other guys (I almost said gays)?

    If not then you have passed the friendship phase and gone directly into relationship mode without first learning how to be a friend.

    And knowing how to be a friend is a prerequisiste for any long-standing relationship.

    So if you fit the category then my advice is to stop trying to find Mr. Right and start working on forming friendships instead.

    You'll be surprised how much you will learn about yourself from these friendships; all information which will come in handy when a serious relationship comes along.