Another painful year comes to a close and the chasm in my heart and soul widens that much further.  I really don't know what keeps me going any more.  Its not my work, and its surely not my personal life.  The outlook of being employed after the new year is grim with projects falling thru due to lack of funding.  The company is in the hole pretty deep after the last project which we lost our shirts on, where I have yet to get caught up again in back pay.  Every attempt I make to find a boyfriend, partner or future husband only results in greater heartache and frustration for guys to get their shit together.  I seem to be the sort that everyone wants to use rather than respected and appreciated.  Living a lonely loveless life is poison, each season that passes seems to only strengthen my fear that all has turned to vain ambition.  Will things only get better after my heart stops and the neurons in my brain no longer fire?  Is that's all that's left for me in this world?