Another painful year comes to a close and the chasm in my heart and soul widens that much further.  I really don't know what keeps me going any more.  Its not my work, and its surely not my personal life.  The outlook of being employed after the new year is grim with projects falling thru due to lack of funding.  The company is in the hole pretty deep after the last project which we lost our shirts on, where I have yet to get caught up again in back pay.  Every attempt I make to find a boyfriend, partner or future husband only results in greater heartache and frustration for guys to get their shit together.  I seem to be the sort that everyone wants to use rather than respected and appreciated.  Living a lonely loveless life is poison, each season that passes seems to only strengthen my fear that all has turned to vain ambition.  Will things only get better after my heart stops and the neurons in my brain no longer fire?  Is that's all that's left for me in this world?

Trying yet again

Rare are the times I put anything here.  For those lucky enough to have found my deepest of inner thoughts (not that its difficult), which are what go here on my journey, some new and hopeful developments.  Its too soon to make any sort of comment on my usual forum of thought, but I wanted to put something here.

Through the miracles of the internet, and Connexion where I have ended up meeting the most worthwhile of date-able people I am trying again.  And hopefully a little wiser this time.  I've been chatting with great guy with a common Moho connection in this area.  He's new to these parts and hasn't yet been chased off or shut down by too many crazies or native passive-aggressive sorts.  I dare say by what little we know about each other he seems to be the most stable and worth while person I've encountered since being out.  Employed by one of the largest companies in the US located here who has, for now, secured a substantial government contract, attractive sort, and with the same faith background.  Doesn't seem like a bad start to me at all.

So we have planned to meet up at a mall roughly geographically between our two locales where we intend to get to know each other but also plan a going away party for our mutual friend.  And then we have tentatively planned to go from there to downtown to have some fun together.  Not quite sure what yet but we'll play it by ear I think.

I remain hopeful that this one might have the possibility of going somewhere other than being "just friends."  I'm certainly ready and waiting with great anxiety for one with some permanence to happen.  As a friend once suggested, I have a lot of love to give, the trick of life will be finding someone willing to receive it and also reciprocate.  May the seeds of desire I have carried for many years find fertile ground.