The pen is stinkier than the gym sock

Well my one year anniversary post caught on fire in a most unexpected way.  Gosh, I guess some people actually do read the crap I put up.  What a shocker to learn that!  It turned out to be a rather controversial one and obviously some were a little defensive or offended.  That wasn't the point of it but perhaps it got people thinking about some of the choices they made and should continue to make on a regular basis - to stimulate thought rather than apathy.  I guess in that regard it worked.  It's interesting how everyone reaches their conclusions.  I suppose we all do the best we can with the situation given to us at the time.  While I don't have a crystal ball nor all the details for each situation something tells me that really the point of it isn't whether or not you can stay together with someone you may be married to but aren't attracted to or even in love with - even if you should care for your spouse.  The question that I think each couple has to answer is "what can we learn from this situation."  The conundrum of a MOM really is a test of the highest Christian virtues of each involved.  Can you still adhere to the greatest of commandments in a mess like that - unconditional love.

I have to admit that in the situation of some that I know a bit more personally I'm a little jealous at how they pull it off.  Envious of the situation - not at all but certainly humbled.  It truly is amazing and must some how have the hand of the Lord in it.  I see no other way such an adverse circumstance can work so well.  Easy, I'm sure not.  The best option-only they can decide that.  But my goodness to have such commitment in those vows it is inspirational, and whether they know it or not I'm learning a great deal from them-and I hope to be able to be more successful in a relationship of true love for me.  Vows ended up getting me in to a bit of trouble.

I can remember as things were ending in my fake world of heterosexuality how nasty things got.  It was the first time I found myself being assaulted verbally and assaulting right back.  But what made it even worse was the fact the words were true.  I lied about who I was when I got married and she called me on it big time.  I remember during the ceremony having the flickering thought of "why the hell am I doing this, this isn't me."  But I quickly squelched the dissension in my head.  My vows were a sham, and deep down I knew it.  But what was I to do?  What are any of us to do?  If someone were to have stopped it before we said "I do" would it have changed anything?  Would I have even come out or would I have been kicking the can further down the road?  Was this awful situation the thing that could crack my fortress of a closet?  I guess only God knows.

If anything, I hope for all of my friends out there that they won't make the same stupid mistakes I did.   Life is to short and friendships are too precious to be forced to endure such a disaster. Sure, they will have their fair share of oops, but I hope never to the degree I had to experience in order to get my wake up call.   Friends - make every second count where ever you are lead in your journey.  Do so in such a way that none of it is ever taken for granted or wasted.

Blessing and Promise Unfulfilled

I decided at long last to share the patriarchal blessing.  Those still blissfully entrenched in Mormondom may disagree with such a thing equaling the choice to do so about like standing on the street corner in your temple garments.  But since none of the promised blessings ever came to pass I have no problems what so ever giving an additional glimpse in to the Mormon psyche.  Since, according to some-both in and out of the church, I'm already going to hell I may as well take the scenic route.  Of particular mention to the MoHo world may be the section talking about marriage.  Note: a few things have been adjusted or omitted for brevity and security, but otherwise this is a duplication.

12/26/99
Brother Sean, in accordance for your wish for a Patriarchal Blessing and being recommended by your bishop, I lay my hands upon your head and with the authority of the Holy Melchizedek Priesthood, I pronounce and seal unto you a Patriarchal Blessing.  I have this authority from Elder David B. Haight, of the Quorum of the Twelve.  I pronounce the blessing upon you.

You are a son of Ephraim.  Through this line will come your blessing, your responsibilities and duties.  You are of a choice line for Ephraim received the birthright blessing.  For this purpose, those of Ephraim are gathered into the church first.

Brother Haley, you have many great talents.  You have been industriously developing them even further.  You have the duty now to serve in the church as a musician, an organist, and a pianist.  You have the duty to do many good things in the church.  You have the Priesthood of God upon you.  You have many things for your good.  Those of Ephraim are to teach the Lost Tribes as they are called back in.  As the Savior returns to the earth again, the first thing He will do is to call together the Ten Tribes of Israel.  Then, He will usher in the Millennium.  Then he will reign upon the earth throughout the Millennium.  Then He will see that all the temple ordinances are completed for each person who has lived upon the earth and not had this blessing during their lifetime.  These are going to be great and trying times.  They are great for us and they are trying, for they will last a thousand years.  Satan will be put out of our lives. We will put him out ourselves for we will become a righteous people and will not respond to any of his wiles and he will be tied down by lack of support for a thousand years.  In this time, you will be called to serve in a temple of the Lord. You will be called to help to see to the ordinance work for those who have passed on.  You will be a Savior on Mount Zion for family members of your family and others of your wife's family.  If you have none of theirs you can identify, you can go further out and further out on your lines. You can even do some for dear friends.

Brother Haley, these are great choices which you have. You were given the gift of the Holy Ghost.  He will be a comforter for you.  He will help you to make good decisions.  He will help you to be kept from harm and danger.  He will give you power of discernment.  You can recognize Satan and his satanic advances.  You have the power within you now to put him out of your life.  Brother Sean, you have done well in your life already, and you will be sent forth on a mission.  On this mission, you will be able to use your musical talents as well as your knowledge of the true gospel.  You will be able to speak out to the people.  They will recognize that you have a strong testimony.  Even if they don't believe it, they will realize that you testify in a way that they know that you believe what you say, that you are an emissary of God.

Brother Sean, President David O. McKay said every member a missionary.  Even before you go out, you are a missionary by your very action and deeds.  For your good works here, you are recognized as a man of God.  You hold the Priesthood.  You may lay your hands upon some and heal them.  You may bring joy and happiness into homes where they have no hope.  You may bring peace and contentment to many people by your gentle ways and by your dedication to duty.  You have the gifts of many things besides your great gift of music.  You have the gift of friendship, the gift of helping, the gift of being always available, the gift of laying your hands upon the heads of persons and giving them blessings, that you might find joy and happiness as they have the faith to be healed that together you will be able to do many great and wondrous things.

In due time you will meet a girl who is just right for you, who is a member of the church.  You can take her into a temple of the Lord and there be sealed together for time and eternity.  With this blessing, come the blessings of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and for their posterity.

Brother Sean, these are great times.  There is a great separation between the wicked and the righteous, for the righteous are growing more righteous and the wicked are growing more wicked.  Don't even think about getting close to the line.  Always be found doing the Lord's work, dedicating your life unto Him, doing all thing that you know to be right and true.  You and your wife together will have children and be able to teach them correct principles.  You will be able to inspire your wife, and be a patriarch in your home.  You will be able to recognize when things are not proper there, and that you might kneel together in prayer and bring together the family in a more close unit to Heavenly Father's plan.

Brother Haley, these are good times for you for you have a good life ahead of you.  You have the time to do many great things.  You may help your wife to make your home a place of refuge for the children as they go forth and, as you go forth, that you may come home to a clean place, clean from the sins of the world, clean thoughts there, and clean good actions, a good teaching place.  A good place for children to leave their troubles of the world behind them as they return home.  You can send them forth with the good armor of God as they go forth from your home to establish their own homes.  You are sealed to a life of goodness you are foreordained to the very callings that you have now, and for future callings.

I seal these blessings upon you now through your faithfulness, and I do this as a Patriarch in the **** Stake, and in the name of the Lord, Jesus Christ.  Amen.

[Signed by the Stake Patriarch]